Lost at 5:00 AM

A couple weeks ago, I read Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower and found one of the most incredible lines I've ever read in a book.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

It's so honest. That is exactly how I feel - a combination of two opposite feelings. Happy and sad, confident and self-conscious, loved and alone.

I try to tell myself that I'm in control of my own feelings. I may not control the events around me, but I do control how I react to them. I can drown myself in sadness or I can move on. I can sit around and wait or I can take control of my life.

This past year has been really hard for me. It may not seem like it, not even to friends and family, but I've been struggling. I feel like I'm searching, but I'm not sure for what. I used to have so much ambition and huge (often impossible) dreams. I used to feel everything so deeply, so passionately that it was almost a fault. Now, I'm becoming numb, forgetting what it is to feel.

I'm trying to convince myself to snap out of it. I remind myself that many others have things so much worse. So, I suppress my emotions, feeling guilty for having been upset in the first place. That usually works for a while, but it always rears its ugly head and I'm right back where I started.

I just feel lost. I want to be the old me again, but I don't know how to find her.