The Hard Truth.

The weird thing about the blogosphere is that you control what people see, read, and think about you. In some respects, that's awesome. You have complete control over your self-image and have the power to portray yourself in whatever light you desire. On the other hand, this power allows bloggers to create unrealistic expectations about life, about relationships, about working out, about that night's dinner, etc.

I have never wanted to be that blogger.

I love using my blog as a visual keepsake - I write about wonderful memories, document them with pictures, and write my feelings out so I never forget how I felt in that moment. Even more importantly, however, my blog is a place where I go to be me. I want this space to be where I come clean, a cathartic safe haven where I share my feelings and bare my soul.

So, in hopes of keeping that promise with myself, I need to tell you something: I'm miserable.

Lately, my blog has shown happy moments, positive blips on the radar, but it's not telling the whole story. In reality, I have never felt more devastated, angry, or lost in my life. My every day is spent worrying, every night is spent praying before trying to fall asleep with that constant, nauseous feeling in my gut, and every morning is spent remembering while my heart breaks all over again.

This is my life now.

Of course, there are still moments of happiness. Fleeting seconds of hysterical laughter on a couch with my two best friends, stolen smiles between bites of grape Italian ice, hand-holding during an impromptu stop at a candy factory. I suppose that's the way life works - it's never completely good, but it's never entirely bad, either.

But I feel the need to share the bad with you, too. It feels disingenuous to only post smiling faces and Happy Thoughts Thursdays when the majority of my life is spent in fear or tears. There may not be pictures to show or play-by-plays to share, but that doesn't mean these feelings aren't worth documenting.

If nothing else, this type of post helps me come to terms with how I'm feeling, helps me verbalize the constant battle within my mind. It is my own version of the desperate scream I want to unleash when I smile at a coworker or tell a stranger at the bank that, "I'm doing well, thanks."

Although I'd rather not endure them, these horrible feelings are worth remembering. You won't realize how far you've come unless you truly know where you used to be.

Johnson girls hit the canal.

As if having my mom in town wasn't enough, my lovely little sister decided to join us on Sunday afternoon. After a little debate, we decided to rent a paddle boat on the canal downtown, something I hadn't done before.

The canal is easily one of my favorite places in the city. When I lived downtown, Wheat and I used to take leisurely strolls, hand-in-hand, soaking in the calming atmosphere. I loved the secluded, peaceful feel of the canal, despite being located in such a bustling area.

The paddle boat cost $30/hour and we were able to hustle our way to one end of the canal and back in that time. Mommles and I paddled while Jamie caught some rays in the back. We spotted some ducklings and a gosling on the trip, admired the murals under the bridges, and even made the stupid decision to paddle beneath a huge fountain.

Oh yeah, you couldn't really beat the company, either.

Of course, now I really want to do this with Wheat, so you can expect those pictures coming relatively soon...

500 Festival Parade

After covering the Indy 500 last year, I desperately wanted to attend again this year, likely as a spectator in the infield, to get a different vantage point of the action. Unfortunately, our ridiculous schedules made it impossible to go, so I decided to do something else related to "the greatest spectacle in racing:" Check out the 500 Festival Parade that takes place downtown on the day before the race.

Much to my delight, Mommles agreed to accompany me. We set off at 9:00, so we wouldn't have any issues with traffic or parking. Luckily, we nabbed a perfect spot in a nearby parking garage, picked up our tickets at will call with no problem, and settled into our awesome bleacher seats on Monument Circle.

We had some time to kill, so we walked around downtown, dog people-watched, and enjoyed coffee/Italian ice on the monument steps.

The parade itself was awesome. I've never been to a parade that actually had helium balloon floats, so I was enamored by those, in particular. One highlight was seeing an Uncle Sam-like eagle float get caught in a nearby tree and take a massive dive. Fortunately, the parade marchers untangled it quickly and it bounced back up and continued down the street.

There were quite a few celebrities in the parade, too. In addition to all of the 500 drivers, the parade featured Mark Cuban, Florence Henderson (Carol Brady), Jim Nabors (Gomer Pyle), local Olympians Nick Goepper and Gracie Gold, former racer Mario Andretti, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck, singer-songwriter Josh Kelley, and the newest winner of The Voice, local singer Josh Kaufman.

Aside from the traffic on the way home, the entire experience was perfect. I would absolutely go again and would highly suggest pre-purchasing bleacher seats on the Circle to anyone. There was something so special about watching such a popular parade in Indianapolis with the city's iconic monument as a backdrop.

I also felt so happy to share such a cool, first-time experience with my mom. There's truly no one cooler. Oh, and she seriously rocks floppy sun hats, am I right?

Heaven is a candy factory in Merrillville, Indiana.

For reasons I might disclose later, Wheat and I found ourselves in Merrillville, Indiana last Thursday evening. Unbeknownst to me, Merrillville's claim to fame is the world-famous Albanese Candy Factory. Since my boyfriend has the sweet tooth of a six-year-old on Halloween, we spent at least an hour scouring the store.

Don't let the pleasant, church-like exterior fool you. The place seriously looks like a Willy Wonka-inspired explosion. Hundreds of gourmet chocolates, gummy bears and worms galore, jelly beans of every flavor, and basically every kind of candy you can imagine fills the space.

One corner houses the tallest chocolate fountain I've ever seen and you can peek through the windows to see the factory at work. I wasn't allowed to take pictures of the mechanics, but we saw gummy bears traveling rather quickly down a conveyor belt.

The best part? They let you sample whatever you want. With our appetites piqued and our wallets a bit lighter, we left with the following in our bag. Should we be embarrassed? Seriously, I'm not even a candy person, but the gummy worms and red velvet cherries are killer.

Of course, there is nothing sweeter than this guy.

Yummy food and basketball overload.

Despite a couple slight missteps and the world's busiest boyfriend, I had a lovely weekend in Indy, my first spent here in a very long time. It was mostly filled with basketball, great company, and food, so I'm not complaining.

After a botched attempt to visit the City Market on Saturday, Wheat and I settled on trying out Barcelona Tapas. We had heard great things about it and now I can confirm those things. We ordered five different tapas - chickpeas with spinach, grilled asparagus, ham and chicken croquettes, grilled lamb chops, and fried calamari. I can't really choose a favorite as I'm stuck between the croquettes, calamari, and asparagus, but it was all so delicious. I thought Wheat had died and gone to culinary heaven.

After lunch, we headed to the mall to walk around and kill some time before the Fever home opener. We got milkshakes, posed with some Pacers, and went to the site of our very first date - the arcade upstairs. The arcade has become a personal favorite of ours, the perfect place to spend $12 on games only to win a pirate eyepatch and some candy.

Doing his best impression of The Governor.

Wheat had to work the Fever game and I scored a couple free tickets, so I hunkered down in my seat and watched my first WNBA regular season game by my lonesome. The game was awesome - those girls play so unbelievably hard. It went into double overtime, but unfortunately, the Fever lost to the Atlanta Dream, 90-88. My seats were great (anyone want to join me for the next game?) and I even caught lucked into a t-shirt that bounced off an enthusiastic, screaming kid's hands and onto the ground next to me. I felt guilty keeping it, but sometimes you gotta do you, right?

Sunday, my dad came into town for Pacers-Heat Game 1. But first, he took me to his guilty pleasure spot, The Tamale Place. He's been raving about these things for months and he told me it was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. I don't make it a habit to listen to advice from a guy that wears sunglasses on the back of his head, but decided to give it a try, anyway. Sure enough, these things were delicious, despite the giant signed picture of Guy Fieri on the wall.

We ordered quite a few to try, variations of pork, chicken, and beef in green and red sauce. After extensive sampling, I decided that chicken in green sauce is the way to go...with a side of chips and delicious guacamole, of course. We went to the location on Rockville Road, but apparently there is also one in the City Market for inquiring minds.

When I felt like I might explode with Mexican goodness, we ventured downtown for Game 1. The atmosphere was unbelievable. Between the tailgate outside, the face-painting and sign-making inside, the music, and the general vibe in the air, it was nearly impossible not to feel like a Pacers fan. We explored the fieldhouse a bit and I made a special sign for Wheat before we settled into our seats.

Bonus perk: The game was a "Gold Out," so we both got free t-shirts.

The game itself was incredible, probably one of the coolest sporting events I've ever attended. The crowd was so amped up after the videos and player introductions and my adrenaline went through the roof right before tip-off. A dubstep remix of "Seven Nation Army" was playing. LeBron James was banging his chest and screaming. Paul George was screaming. I was screaming. It was NBA playoff basketball at its best, or so I'd imagine.

...and the Pacers did exactly what they needed to do and beat the Heat, 107-96. In fact, they never trailed and led Miami by double figures for most of the game. For these NBA newbies, it felt like basketball perfection. It also meant the world to me to spend time with my dad away from all the stress we've had lately.

I closed the night with dinner and drinks with Wheat and Manny at Scotty's and now, as always, I'm in denial about the insanity of the coming week. We can do this. Only four more days...

The Best of Vince Vaughn

Recently, one of my favorite bloggers, Helene in Between, made a Definitive Ranking of Zac Efron Movies and it inspired me to make a list of my own. I consider myself to be a bit of a Vince Vaughn connoisseur, so without further ado, I bring you:

Swingers

If you haven't seen Swingers, do yourself a solid and watch it. This is vintage Vaughn through and through. Plenty of the quick-wit, fast-talking, charming banter and monologues that you've come to expect from him, but without the cheesy, forced feeling of his recent movies. This is honestly one of my favorite movies of all time and his real-life friendship with Jon Favreau shines through in every scene.

Wedding Crashers

Let's be real: This is Vince Vaughn at his absolute best. You get the sense that most of the dialogue between Vince and Owen Wilson was improvised, a natural rapport that he has tried (and failed) to replicate ever since.

Old School

For me, Old School kicked off the Frat Pack craze of the 2000s, when each comedy tried desperately to top the last with raunchy hilarity. It's nice to go back and watch Vince, Will, and Luke Wilson lay the groundwork before ushering in the era of Judd Apatow.

The Break-Up

A perfect combination of funny and endearing, silly and serious. Unlike most of his prior movies, The Break-Up is realistic, hitting a bit too close to home for some couples. Although it was tough to contain my jealousy, I also loved Vince's brief fling with Jennifer Aniston. I mean, if I can't have him, it might as well have been Jen.

A Cool, Dry Place

You've likely never heard of this movie and that's probably because the plot is nothing groundbreaking. It is refreshing, however, to see Vince tackle a serious role and he completely melts my heart as single dad Russell Durrell. Oh, I should also mention that he used to look like this:

Honorable Mentions: Jurassic Park: The Lost World - I bet you didn't realize/remember he played a major role in the blockbuster sequel. Into the Wild - I really love this movie, but Vince is hardly in it, so I can't count it. Anchorman - The same is true here: So great, but too little Vince to count. Rudy - Speaking of too little Vince, did you know that Vince plays the quarterback in Rudy? The breeding ground of a beautiful friendship with Favreau.

What's your favorite Vince Vaughn movie?

Snapshots of May

||Beautiful spring blossoms||

||Cyclones game with Jenn, Kelly, and Cheyenne||

||Creepy sign in Fountain Square||

||Happy feet on Mother's Day||

||A bumblebee's daydream||

Mush Sesh.

Just under two years ago, the guy sitting across from me in my graduate school classroom made me laugh with a witty comment. After that, I found myself paying closer attention to him, laughing at his awesome humor and slowly realizing how smart he was.

A couple weeks later, I caught myself staring at him and thought, "Man, he's cute."

A few months later, I did absolutely everything in my power to spend more time with him. I practically begged my friends to hang out after class so I had an excuse to see him, to learn more about him. I never thought I'd shake my homesickness after moving to Indianapolis, but visits to Lebanon were fewer and farther between as we started to spend weekends together.

A year ago, when that handsome guy in class started to like me back, I worried that he wouldn't stick around - that he'd leave me for a better job, a better girl. I couldn't believe someone like him would go for someone like me and I was impressed with my ability to reel in such a catch, even if only for a short while. I ultimately decided that the universe was temporarily rewarding me for some good deed I had done in the past.

Seven months ago, as my parents helped me pack and move my things into his apartment, I felt happier than I have ever felt in my life. I was sad to leave my old apartment, but I was so excited to start a life together in the first place we could call 'ours.'

Two months ago, my state of unshakable happiness was abruptly destroyed when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. At the risk of sounding cliche, my entire world came to a halt as I struggled to deal with my new normal. I knew he loved me during my good times, but worried that he wouldn't be able to handle my bad.

Sunday night, when I came home from what felt like my millionth trip home in the last couple months, I walked in to find an immaculately clean apartment, purple tulips on the bed, and him, smiling that same gorgeous smile that won me over in class.

Yesterday, as I laid on the couch, alternately crying because of the situation with my mom and the miserable stomach bug I caught over the weekend, he came home early from work with red Gatorade. He laid next to me on the couch, wiped my tears away, stroked my cheek, and told me I look cute in shorts.

Today, I know that he's it for me. In complete honesty, I would have told you he was 'the one' a year ago. But today, I know that we're it for each other. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, he will be there, making me laugh, teaching me something, or simply holding my hand...and that thought brings me more comfort than he could ever know.

Happy Thoughts Thursday

After the emo explosion that was yesterday's post, I'm all about happy thoughts today.

- Dinner Dates. Wheat and I had a lovely dinner date in Fountain Square on Tuesday. We ventured to Pure, a sandwich place/bar, and both ordered the chicken cordon bleu sandwich. The food itself was pretty good, but I absolutely loved the aura of the restaurant - Frank Sinatra music, candles and flowers on the tables, and the NBA playoffs on TV. We closed the night with a leisurely stroll through Fountain Square, which included a stop at the strangest, creepiest carnival I've ever seen in my life. I think it seriously popped up out of nowhere and only had two games, one food booth, very rickety-looking rides, and the sketchiest carnies I've ever seen...and that's saying a lot. There were only about 20, very diverse people at the fair, so it also had this ghost town vibe that is hard to explain. Weird experience to say the least.

- Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra. Last week, I won four tickets to a show by the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra. I'm a little embarrassed by how excited that makes me, but hey - I never win anything.

- Girl Crushes at the Met Gala. Are they kidding me? There are so many, but Zooey Deschanel, Emma Stone, and Olivia Munn were my favorite of the night. Stunning, especially Emma.

- Cards for Mommles. A couple weeks ago, I asked a ton of people who know my mom to write birthday cards for her. The response has been overwhelming. For the last week, she's been getting the sweetest, most encouraging cards ever from family, good friends, and people she hasn't seen in years. I know the impact my mom has had on me, but it means the world to see what she has meant to everyone else.

...and speaking of Mommles, my happiest thought today is that IT'S HER BIRTHDAY! Today, I get to celebrate with my beautiful best friend as she turns 51. Here's to many, many more!

Trying to be okay.

Time to get heavy.

The last two months have been the worst of my life. Bar none. 

It goes without saying that most of that has to do with my mom’s health. I still can't really get myself to write about it, but I’ve never felt more sad, frustrated, angry, or lost in my life. In fact, I can’t really imagine anything worse happening.

Couple that with the misdiagnosis, the waiting, the hospital visits, and the seemingly unlimited mistakes that have been made by everyone involved and a horrible situation somehow becomes even worse. At this point, it’s hard for me not to wonder if the entire medical field is out to lunch.

But on top of that, there have been other pains – things that would seem like a much bigger deal if my mom was healthy. When we first found out about my mom, my brother was halfway around the world and virtually unreachable. We kept the diagnosis a secret, telling no one for fear of LP finding out on Facebook. I worried about him on his deployment, praying every single day for his safety. Now, he's back in California and although I'm grateful he's back, I still wish he was here to hug whenever I wanted.

On the selfish side, I got a part-time job that has nothing to do with sports. I really like the people I work with and the schedule is flexible, but it’s not my passion and not what I just went to graduate school to do. I came to Indianapolis to follow my heart and now, with everything that has been going on, I realize that my heart has been in Lebanon all along.

Throughout this ordeal, I’ve been working an unpaid internship with the Cyclones. I love covering the games and have learned a lot, but with the two-hour commute to U.S. Bank Arena, it has been unbelievably taxing on my time, car, and mind. Even worse, this internship will not magically turn into a job and I have no hockey-related job prospects in sight. In fact, the Indy Fuel didn’t even offer me an unpaid sales internship for the summer after I did everything in my power to get my foot in the door.

Denny, my sister’s boyfriend and essentially my other little brother, left for Arizona on Monday. He’s in the Air Force and will be gone for three years. Although she’s pretending she’s okay, I know my sister is heartbroken and struggling to decide when to join him. She’s afraid to leave my mom and her stable job for a new place so far from home.

Wheat is busier than ever. With the Pacers in the second round of the playoffs and the Fever starting this week, his schedule has become my worst nightmare. I’m so unbelievably proud of his hard work and I’m excited that he gets to travel to the away games, but the selfish part of me feels broken. This is the worst time of my entire life and I’m alone most nights in my apartment, forcing myself to hang up before calling my mom and crying myself to sleep. 

In the next two weeks, Wheat and I only have two (maybe three) nights together. I feel ridiculous even saying that, considering my brother and sister live across the country from their significant others, but I can't help the way I feel. While I’m piling it on, I should add that I don’t really have any friends in Indianapolis, no one to take my mind off of things with a movie or dinner date.

I feel so selfish saying this, but every single day is a struggle for me and I’m not even the one who is sick. I don’t understand how a person is supposed to function when they feel like their entire world is crumbling around them. It takes every ounce of my being to put a smile on my face and act like I'm okay.

But just when the sadness becomes too overwhelming and I feel like I can’t breathe, I remember how lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, an incredible family and best friend, a supportive and loving boyfriend, understanding bosses at work, so many encouraging and loving friends all over the country, and I get to call the best person I’ve ever known my mom.

…and nothing will ever change that.

Hoosier Hysteria!

I was looking through my list of things to do in Indianapolis and I've decided to write a post about one of the coolest things I've done since I moved here. Unfortunately, it happened last summer when I was still taking a blog hiatus, so I'll probably miss most of the details, but here goes.

Confession: Before last summer, I had never seen Hoosiers.

Nearly everyone that heard that admission was baffled and/or disgusted, especially people around here. They didn't have to say it - I could tell by their judging eyes. Suddenly, my validity as a sports fan was called into question. Can someone be a real sports fan without having seen the "greatest sports movie of all-time," as decided by ESPN? Probably not, I finally decided and set out to change the error of my ways.

Fortunately for me, Hoosiers was playing at IMA's Summer Nights, so I jumped at the chance to go with Wheat.

Every summer, IMA shows a series of classic movies outside at the gorgeous amphitheater that overlooks the White River. They sell popcorn, candy, soda, and wine, but you can bring whatever you want in a picnic basket. Wheat and I settled on Subway and staked out our spot on the grass before exploring the Art Park for a couple hours.

The movie itself lived up to the hype. I enjoyed it and I understand why it has inspired such a cult-like following over the years. Also, can you beat the opportunity to join in a group clap with an entire audience of actual Hoosiers after a motivational speech from Gene Hackman? I don't think so.

After seeing the movie, I planned to take us to nearby Knightstown, Indiana to tour the real-life Hoosier Gym.

Please notice the flower pots.

It was totally worth the trip and I highly recommend it to anyone in the area. The gym, which was used as the home of the Hickory Huskers, looks untouched since they filmed the movie. Nothing has changed, including the signs on the wall, and you just feel the special aura when you step on the hardwood floors.

In the entrance, there is a little shrine of sorts to the gym, which was actually built in 1921, and the movie, complete with memorabilia, pictures of famous people at the gym, and a tiny gift shop.

Eternally playing against Terhune...

Ball signed by the real-life Jimmy Chitwood, Bobby Plump

Admission is completely free and the people that work there do so on a volunteer basis. The guy who gave us our tour was awesome, so knowledgeable on the history of the gym and its involvement in the movie. He took us down to the locker room, which was used in several memorable scenes, and even quizzed us on the movie.

When he left us to explore on our own, we picked up some basketballs and shot around on the court for a while. I may or may not have attempted to make a last-second shot like Jimmy Chitwood.

Oh yeah - you can rent the place for $25/hour, so we're keeping it in mind for our wedding reception. Kidding.