Keep me away from story time.

Well, you can officially strike 'Children's Book Author' from my list of potential career paths.

This morning, I tweeted a list of children's books that I co-wrote ruined for everyone. Tonight, since I have more than enough time on my hands, I've decided to create some book covers for you.

The first couple highlight my ability to see the best in every situation.





The next one serves as a commentary on my sleeping hours.



I wouldn't be doing the children justice if I didn't share my writing niche with them.



I carefully instruct the children to follow in my stealthy footsteps...



...and finally, my personal favorite.



If you're wondering why a major media outlet hasn't hired me for my impeccable skills in MS Paint, I'm right there with you.

Still single.

Saturday Night Love You

For as long as I can remember, I have loved Saturday Night Live. Even during the "lost years," when absolutely no one thought it was funny, I loved it.

Of course, I wasn't alive to witness the genius of SNL greats like John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase, and Bill Murray, but some of my very first TV memories include Adam Sandler playing guitar, Dana Carvey's Church Lady, and Chris Farley's hilarious screaming.

The older I got, the more I loved it. I watched as my favorite cast members gradually left and were replaced by new favorites. I laughed hysterically at Chris Kattan, wished I could do 'Weekend Update' with Norm Macdonald or Amy Poehler, and imitated Tracy Morgan's Brian Fellow and Will Ferrell's Harry Caray until I thought my parents might kick me out of the house.

Every year, I sign up for SNL tickets (Newsflash: They are nearly impossible to get) and last time I went to New York, I toured the NBC studios to see the hallowed ground itself. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I got pretty choked up seeing all the cast memorabilia and pictures.

Although their sketches are pretty hit or miss, I really love the current cast. Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig are truly two of the most hysterical people on the planet...and don't even get me started on my obsession crush on Andy Samberg.

...but before there was Andy Samberg, there was Jimmy Fallon.

Sometimes, when I watch his new late night show, I get so disappointed. I start to forget how flawless he used to be. The way he'd muss up his hair, the schoolboy giggling, the hilarious song parodies, the adorable interplay with Tina Fey on 'Weekend Update,' the Boston accent in the 'Denise and Sully' skits, the nervous biting of the lower lip while smiling. Resistance was futile every Saturday night.





For about five years, spanning middle school and the beginning of high school, I kinda thought that if I couldn't marry Tom DeLonge from Blink 182 or Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day (yeah, I was one of those kids), I was absolutely going to marry Jimmy Fallon. Then, he was gone and with him, my SNL-loving heart.

...but the year after Jimmy left, Andy Samberg arrived...and instead of growing up and coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to marry an SNL cast member, I started thinking up ways to get into Andy's (digital) shorts.

So, this season, when Jimmy Fallon hosted SNL and made his long-awaited return to the place where he once fueled my hilarious-and-attractive-boy-next-door-fantasies, I thought I might die. Then, he teamed up with Andy Samberg as his reflection, mussed up his hair, and sang "The Rainbow Connection" and I did.

Man Meat Tuesday: Valentine's Day Edition!

I realize it isn't Monday, but I thought my Man Meat Valentine's Day cards were a hit last year. I also don't have the energy or creativity to write a post with my thoughts on this little holiday. So, I'm starting my new career as an absurd celeb greeting card writer and making it a yearly tradition.

Like last year, I will provide you with a musician, an athlete, and an actor. They have made YOU a special Valentine's Day card. Now, you must vote (via comments) on whose card you'd most want in your carefully-decorated shoebox at the end of the school day. Man, I miss those parties.

Option #1



Option #2



Option #3

Yes. The correct answer is all of the above. But, when you get home from school, you can only tell your mom about one boy from class. Also, your immune system can only sustain an invasion from one boy's cooties...that is, assuming you've had your recent immunization (Circle, circle. Dot, dot. Now, you've had your cootie shot - you're welcome).

So, readers: It's your turn. Vote. Vote. Vote. Whose card do you want stuffed in your box? I'm obviously going with Sid on this one.

EvGrammy Malking Dead.

So many things happened this weekend. I'm in emotional overload. So, I will give you some special Valentine's Day Man Meat on Tuesday. Also, in an effort to make this post even slightly coherent, I will split it into three sections: Penguins, Grammys, Random.

First, my Penguins.

They won both of their games this weekend, beating Winnipeg 8-5 and Tampa Bay 4-2. Geno has been playing like a man possessed for a full month now. He ended the weekend with 3 more goals and 4 more assists, solidifying his position as league leader in points with 69. Claude Giroux (of the Flyers) and Steven Stamkos (of the Lightning) are tied for second, with 62 points each. My Geno Baneno is almost a sure thing for the Hart Trophy this year...and I will walk to Vegas if I must...



"Hahahaha. I best. Sorry I not sorry. I'm keep score."

Next, the Grammys.

- The tributes to Whitney and Etta were classy and beautiful. Jennifer Hudson did an incredible job under such short notice.

- Maroon 5 and Foster the People performing with The Beach Boys was probably my favorite performance of the night. I'm a huge Beach Boys fan (they were my second concert), the covers were great, and the Beach Boys still sound awesome. Oh yeah - I also got to stare at Adam Levine.

- I know that everyone on the planet hates Chris Brown. There is absolutely no excusing his past behavior (ex. Rihanna, Good Morning America), but can't we agree that he's incredibly talented? I was thrilled that he won and I thought his performance was amazing. Everyone deserves forgiveness. If Rihanna's forgiven him, can't everyone else?

- The Civil Wars sounded incredible. I love that southern, folksy sound and I can't believe it comes from just two people and a guitar. Check them out.

- Unpopular opinion time: I know Nicki Minaj terrified everyone with her performance tonight, but I thought it was cool. She's so bizarre and I didn't like the song at all, but I loved the creepy Exorcist-style video/concept.

- Bon Iver won Best New Artist. Sweet, sweet justice is served. They aren't 'new' by any stretch of the imagination, but man, so well-deserved. Listen to this.



- Adele is the Evgeni Malkin of the music world right now. Not only did she win everything, but she sounded amazing and looked gorgeous. Yeah, I'm jealous.



..and finally, random stuff.

- I'm so sad about the death of Whitney Houston. As a kid, I was constantly singing "I Will Always Love You." I can't tell you how many times my family yelled at me to stop singing it. Her death is a massive loss to music and the world. Her seemingly effortless voice was a gift that will endure well beyond the negative hits her reputation took in recent years. Chills.



- The Walking Dead is finally back! It truly is the best show on TV. Guest appearance from Michael Raymond-James (Rene from True Blood). I love when my favorite shows collide and I can fangirl all over my living room. Sorry, mom and dad.

- Unpopular opinion time: I saw The Vow this weekend and I wasn't a big fan. Let me be clear: Channing Tatum on the big screen for two hours is always okay with me. I'm just not a big girly movie girl and, although it's based on a true story, it couldn't compete with The Notebook. Maybe nothing ever will...

So, what are your thoughts? Do you want to squeeze Geno's cheeks? Who was your favorite performance at the Grammys? Have you seen The Vow? Do you wish Shane was the sexy leader of your group during the zombie apocalypse?

I make no sense.

The Proper Way to Lose...

As you know, I'm a bit of a sports fanatic.





Really. Disgustingly obsessed. I'm the one who screams like a maniac when my quarterback throws an interception or the goalie leaves the pipes to play the puck. I'm the one who can recite the team roster foward and backward, including players' heights, weights, and hometowns. When the Cincinnati Bengals or the Pittsburgh Penguins get knocked out of the playoffs, I am utterly inconsolable. This is not an exaggeration. I am devastated, sobbing like an extended family member just died, and better left alone for a day (or ten).

My mom, serving as the usual voice of reason in these situations, always makes feeble attempts to comfort me. Typically, she makes me a bowl of ice cream, kisses me on the head, and says something along these lines: "There is always next year. Just remember, they had a great season. Also, if you feel this horrible, imagine how they must be feeling."

This, of course, doesn't console me in the least. Usually, it makes me feel more upset...and, to make matters worse, the ice cream makes me thirsty. In my spiteful, disappointed rage, I tell my mom horrible things, like: "I could die before next season. Who knows?" or "It doesn't matter if it was a great season. They didn't win the championship, so it's a disappointment." As you can see, I'm lovely.

One piece of my mom's wisdom, however, always brought me a tiny bit of comfort. I always believed she was right about how the players must feel after a huge loss. I always thought, "Well, if I feel like my heart was put into a blender on the highest speed, then the players must somehow feel worse."

Because that makes sense.

Sure, football, hockey, baseball, basketball, tennis, golf, soccer, etc. are sports. In truth, the world could do without them. There are many things that matter more and they aren't necessary to sustain life. Excellence in sport is fleeting - an achievement held only briefly before a new champion is named. Even a sport's ultimate pinnacle, like the Super Bowl and Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals or the World Series, is still technically just a game.

However, a true fan knows better. Sports may not sustain life, but they do enrich the soul. They give you reason to believe, to cheer, and to hold out hope. Sports are more than just a series of games because they make you a part of something bigger than yourself. They show that hard work pays off and allow you to believe, however briefly, that anything is possible.

If the fans feel this way, the players must, too. Right? Not only is it their job to play (and win), but it's their passion in life. It's a part of who they are. Everyone wants to win. Everyone wants the timeless, priceless glory of a championship trophy. They live for it.

...or so I thought.

Just hours after the Patriots' 21-17 Super Bowl loss on Sunday, tight end Rob Gronkowski was photographed shirtless on stage, dancing alongside LMFAO.



Now, I realize that being in the Super Bowl at all is worth celebrating, particularly if you've had as incredible of a season as Rob Gronkowski. Perhaps impersonating a Chippendales stripper is a healthier way to deal with a huge loss than my usual routine. Maybe the best way to deal with a devastating loss is to focus on the good and stay positive.

...but I sure wouldn't want to see someone on my favorite team doing this (even with a body like that). Say what you want about him, but I guarantee Tom Brady didn't feel like dancing or partying. Need I remind you that the game's final, desperate pass fell inches short of Gronkowski's outstretched hands?

Of course, Gronk was upset with the loss, but would it have hurt to show it a little more? As a fan, I appreciate a little anger, frustration, and sadness from the players. It shows they care, at least as much as I do. I admit that mourning the loss for a full week, questioning the point of life itself, and cursing the gods may be a little extreme, but how about some old-fashioned disappointment? You never see my beloved Bengals celebrating after a horrible end to the season...and trust me, they've had plenty of practice.

Commercial Countdown

Although my primary draw to the Super Bowl is obviously the football, I do enjoy the commercials. So, in an effort to avoid dwelling on the start of the long and torturous football off-season, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite commercials from Super Bowl XLVI. Here they are:

1. Chrysler's “Halftime in America” – Oh. I’m crying and it has nothing to do with an injured player or the outcome of the game? Weird. Seriously, this one got the lump-in-the-throat going. Clearly, the Patriots needed Clint Eastwood in the locker room at halftime.



2. Honda's “Matthew’s Day Off” – I’ve included the full-length version because it is vastly superior to the one they showed during the game. If you love Ferris Bueller’s Day Off as much as I do, you had to love this. WAH WAH! Chicka-chicka.



3. Chevy Silverado's “2012” – Hilarious. Timely ad, according to the Mayan calendar. Blatantly making fun of the maker of my car. I think we all know Twinkies will be the only food to survive the apocalypse.



4. M&M's “Just My Shell” – Perfect. When he tore off his shell, I lost my mind.



5. Samsung Mobile USA's “Thing Called Love” – I wasn’t completely in love with the commercial, but there was a guest appearance from my favorite lover football player of all-time. Brian Keith Urlacher. Enjoy.



Honorable Mentions: Dorito’s “Sling Baby,” Kia’s “A Dream Car for Real Life,” and Toyota’s “It’s Reinvented”

Which commercial was your favorite?

Super Man Meat!

Well, I didn't watch the Super Bowl.

HA. Kidding.

Although my excitement for the game was curbed drastically when both my Bengals and Packers were knocked from the playoffs, I wouldn't miss America's game for the world. Despite the fact that I didn't really care about the outcome (although I did bet $1 the Pats would win), the game didn't disappoint. Scoring started out with an intentional grounding call against Brady that resulted in a rare safety, putting the Giants up, 2-0. This was followed on the next drive by a pass from Manning to Victor Cruz for a touchdown (and end zone samba dance). However, in typical Tom Brady fashion, the Patriots were able to score both a field goal and a touchdown (to Danny Woodhead), giving them a 10-9 lead at halftime.

The Patriots extended their lead in the third quarter when Brady completed a touchdown pass to Aaron Hernandez. By the end of the third quarter, however, the Giants had responded with two field goals, leaving the score at 17-15. As America hoped, the fourth quarter became the battle of the quarterbacks: Brady vs. Manning.

Early in the fourth, Brady desperately threw the only interception of the game into the waiting arms of linebacker Chase Blackburn. Although no points resulted from the turnover, it seemed to be an omen for things to come. On the next couple Patriots' drives, crucial passes were dropped by Wes Welker, Deion Branch, and Aaron Hernandez. The Giants, however, capitalized on their final possession of the game. Pats' coach Bill Belichick made the calculated decision to allow RB Ahmad Bradshaw to score a touchdown, giving the Giants a 21-15 lead after a failed two-point conversion attempt. This left his wizard of a quarterback with 57 seconds to make some magic happen. After a couple dropped passes and with no time left, Brady heaved a pass into the end zone with the hopes that injured tight end Rob Gronkowski would come down with it.

He didn't. The rest is history. The Giants won Super Bowl XLVI, 21-17, and quarterback Eli Manning cemented his place alongside the league's elite when he was named the game's MVP.

Now onto the fun stuff. I loved Madonna's halftime show. I've always loved her, so I'm a bit biased. The only two karaoke songs I've ever performed are Celine Dion's "My Heart will Go On" and "Like a Virgin." The special effects were awesome, the guest appearances were fun, and Madonna looked great. I probably wouldn't have chosen those songs for her to perform, but all in all, I loved it.

My top five favorite commercials will have to wait until tomorrow because it wouldn't be Man Meat Monday without some attractive men. If I were a fan of David Beckham, I would just post his sexy commercial for H&M and let you drool. BUT, my taste in men defies convention and logic and I don't find him attractive. So, I will conduct some research, instead.

Last week, I read on MSN that more married women would rather have an affair with Eli Manning than Tom Brady. In the study, Manning edged out Brady with 54% of the votes. They explained the results by stating that most women found Eli to be "more relatable" and had "boy-next-door" good looks, as opposed to Tom Brady who seemed like "more of a hothead" and egotistical.

Now, I know I'm not a married woman, but this is all wrong. In fact, it almost seems offensive. Eli Manning isn't an ugly guy by any means. Tom Brady probably doesn't have the world's greatest personality, either. But, let's be honest: 54% of those voters are lying.



You may not like him, but you get lost in his eyes. His lips are a crime against humanity. You could literally drink from his chin.

So, readers: It's your turn. Which Super Bowl XLVI quarterback has access to your tight end?



I am wide open, Tom.

The good kind of stretch marks.

Remember how I recently explained that nothing new has happened in my life lately? Remember how I told you that I haven't been feeling creative or interesting? Well, unfortunately, that sentiment continues.

However, I will send you off for the weekend with a particularly funny story.

My freshman year of high school, I had science class with an interesting group of people. I use the word "interesting" because that's the nicest way I can put it.

For most people, freshman year is an awkward time. You go from being 'top dog' in middle school (which, as you know, is not a big deal) to being the new kids on the block. Upperclassmen try their hardest to convince you there is a swimming pool on the roof of the school. The girls are doing everything in their power to attract the attention of the older boys. The boys are desperate and awkward, spraying themselves with copious amounts of Axe body spray in an effort to distract girls from the senior football players.

We all know it doesn't work.

At any rate, my freshman science class was, as its name so eloquently implies, composed of all freshmen. That fact, combined with a bizarre teacher and less-than-exciting subject matter, made it my least favorite class of the day. However, I tried to make the best of the class by befriending those around me.

One day before class started, a group of us were discussing what we find attractive in the opposite sex. Yes, I probably started the conversation. So, we made our way around the circle with typical responses. I explained the importance of a guy's height by stressing that I wanted a guy I could climb like a tree. A friend expounded on the attractive merits of a nice smile. Another talked about the sexiness of blue eyes.

Finally, the conversation reached a boy who I had known for a while. Like the other freshman boys, he was a bit awkward, unsure of himself. However, when it was his turn to speak, we immediately realized he was supremely confident in his answer.

With no hesitation and no hint of a smile on his lips, he looked at us and said, "I love stretch marks."

As you can imagine, the girls in the group were caught between hysterics and shock. The other guys had looks of clear disgust on their faces. Finally, one of them composed himself enough to respond, "What the hell, dude? Stretch marks?"

The boy, whose cheeks had turned a dark shade of red at our collective reaction, nodded before asking, "What? You don't? I love the way their shirts cling to them."

All of us were completely lost. After another minute of interrogation, we finally realized, to our relief and hilarity, that this kid, the quiet boy who blushed whenever he had to read out loud in class, thought stretch marks were the wrinkles created between the boobs on the fabric of a tight shirt.



Now, every single time I see a commercial about stretch marks, I laugh uncontrollably. I suppose freshman science class was actually good for something.

By the way, I apologize for the gratuitous talk about my boobs this week. It will stop now. I will have you know, though: Those bad boys aren't Janet Jackson's.

When I have nothing to say, I shouldn't say anything. Here's proof.

Ugh. I'm at it again. I've reverted back to my horrible blogger ways and, again, I apologize. Here's the truth: I haven't been blogging because I have nothing to say. I'm not feeling very creative and I haven't been very interesting lately. So, here are some random thoughts I've had in the last couple weeks:

- I am addicted to The Hunger Games trilogy. Really, I can't stop reading it. I realize how morbid this sounds, but I find the modern gladiator concept so intriguing. If you haven't read the series yet, I highly recommend you do...and get to it quickly. The movie comes out on March 23!

- I've decided that every once in awhile, I will post a video of a kid that I wish I had. That list is endless, so I have plenty of material. For my first choice, I'll go with one of my all-time favorites, Josh Sacco...AKA The Miracle speech kid.



The kid cuts to the core of me. His voice kills me and he loves hockey. Match made in heaven.

- Glee finally did a Michael Jackson episode. As a huge MJ fan, I was pretty nervous, but Glee didn't let me down. Although the plot could have used some work, all of the songs were perfect. Blaine Anderson was meant to sing Michael Jackson (but not wear an eye patch). Mercedes and Sam's version of "Human Nature" was amazing (and YAY for the kiss!). The cello version of "Smooth Criminal" was incredible and I was so relieved they did the cheesy face-morph during "Black or White." Yay for two great episodes in a row! FINALLY!

- In my unlimited free time, I wrote a parody of Journey's classic "Don't Stop Believing" for the Pittsburgh Penguins. I learned how to play it on the piano and recorded myself singing it (not very well - I might add - but I had to do it in one take). I tweeted it to the Penguins organization, but there has been no response. *sigh* I need a job and a life. Even though you probably won't understand what I mean with the lyrics, here's the video:



- Speaking of the Penguins, they won their first game back from the All-Star break in surprising fashion. After falling behind 4-1 to the Toronto Maple Leafs, they fought back to 4-3. Then, with 6 seconds remaining in regulation, James Neal shot a puck at my boyfriend Evgeni Malkin, it bounced off of his chest, and into the net. Sweet, unexpected success. After a scoreless overtime, the game went into a shootout, goalie Marc-Andre Fleury stopped every shot, and who scored the game winning goal? Evgeni Malkin.

- Speaking of Evgeni Malkin, I want him to be my human bra for a day. I want him to follow me around and hold my boobs. All day. How much do I need to pay him to do that?




..and, no. That is absolutely not Janet Jackson's body. That is all mine.

See? You can't have missed me that much. ;)