A moment of painful realism.

I can't quite explain it, but I'm in a dark place right now.

I feel like a spoiled brat because I can remove myself enough from my situation to realize that I have no real reason to complain. I'm a very lucky girl. I won the lottery of birth. I have great people around me and a great place to live. Yet, I can't get over my selfish tendencies enough to not feel upset.

Despite being surrounded by people that love me, I feel completely and utterly alone. I feel like a waste of life. I don't have a job and despite how desperate I seem, I can't get myself to take a job in something like a restaurant or a grocery store. I hate that I feel like I'm better than that, but I do. I'm not proud of this.

My friends are going on to graduate school or starting careers. They are getting married, moving into apartments, working full-time. I'm drowning in self-pity. Sometimes, I scare myself because I can give myself advice, I know what I should do, I can diagnose myself. Four years ago, I went to a psychiatrist and I knew exactly what she was going to say. Because I didn't want to be there, I said it first and she let me leave. I know what the rational mind would prescribe. Still, I don't feel satisfied. I'm the neglected self-help book, gathering dust in the corner.

It's pathetic. I could easily go to a store and get a job, but I can't get myself to do it. Instead, I mope around, finding excuses why I can't work at Kroger. My friends go home at 10:00 and I go to sleep at 6:00 AM. I wake up at 2:00 PM because there is nothing to do. I don't want to sit around my house all day, doing nothing...so, I stay asleep. The pattern continues and I waste away.

The most upsetting thing is that I don't even know what to pursue. Everyone always harps to you that you should only take a job you love. It sounds absurd - but I don't really like anything. I'm decent at everything and excellent at nothing. The only things that I'm truly passionate about are not realistic job opportunities (ex. football, movies, music). I'm far too cynical to be a 22-year old, sheltered girl.

Even worse - I feel relationships slipping away from me. I look at all of the relationships I have had over the course of my life. With the exception of my family and Jenn, everyone I have felt close with has drifted from me. Of course, everyone is at fault (including me), but I always reach a certain point where I refuse to put in 100% of the effort to maintain the friendship. However, when I stop, I quickly realize that they stopped long ago...and then I feel foolish for trying. This, unfortunately, usually ends in a bitterness that quickly damages the friendship. This process has occurred with almost everyone I've ever known.

I'm already starting to feel it with friends from Miami and it's only been two months. It's remarkable how quickly it sets in. I don't blame them, though. They all have jobs, lives, and other obligations. They don't have the free time to simply work on maintaining relationships. I wish I didn't either.

Instead, I sit and it festers...for hours...every single day. I look back at those who I've 'lost,' think about what everyone I know is doing during the day, and feel envious. Like I said, I realize how petty and self-centered this ridiculous entry is...but it is exactly how I feel.

For the first time in my life, I don't know where I'll be in a year and that stresses me out. I'm still on UVA's waitlist, but that looks like a resounding no. I can't even decide if I want to go to law school. I don't think I'll make a good lawyer...it's just what I feel like I should do...something academic, impressive, and a good way to make money. Yet, my heart isn't in it and I know that without even setting foot inside of a law school.

I can't determine whether my mind is a blessing or a curse. I can't sleep because I'm constantly afflicted with some question, worry, or concern. I feel the need to solve every single problem I see, including those that have absolutely nothing to do with me. All of this combines with issues at home, my severe lack of self-esteem, my struggle with finding God (or something like him), my unrealistic expectations for myself, and my pathetic desire to have a boyfriend. I can't count how many tears I've cried due to my fear of dying alone. Yet, when I read this entry, it's no wonder why I don't have someone. I'm a disaster. A complete, selfish disaster...and despite feeling like I know the answers, I have realized that I don't know where to begin to fix it.

Disclaimer: I'm not suicidal. This is not a call for help. This is me, trying to get my feelings out the best way I know how - writing.