A letter to Wheat

To Wheat on the night before we're married,

I'd like to tell you that I'm calm, collected, and excited about tomorrow's events, but you know me better than that. You know I'm freaking out inside - about little details, things we might have forgotten, chances of rain, and people who might not show up. I'm freaking out about falling during the Cha Cha Slide, crying too hard during our vows, and not having a conversation with every single one of our guests. I'm freaking out about wearing a dress all day, not stopping to soak in the moment enough, forgetting one of your relatives' names, and passing out during the ceremony. As you probably imagined, I'm freaking out about all the uncertainties, but there is one thing I'm sure of...

...and that thing is you.

Ever since I met you, you have been the one sure thing in my life. You make me laugh, push me to be a better version of myself, and make every moment I'm with you infinitely better than it would be otherwise. You've comforted me in the hard times and carried me through my grief when I couldn't walk the path alone. You laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me, dance with me, read with me, sing with me, cheer with me, and play with me. You simultaneously lift me up while keeping me grounded. You're the best part of my day and the thing I miss most the instant we part. You're the reason I love looking back, but more importantly, you're the reason I'm excited to move forward.

When I moved to Indianapolis for sports journalism graduate school, I thought I'd become a writer. I thought I'd leave a year later with a master's degree, some new friends, and a hockey writing gig. Instead, I found you, something far better than any job I could ever dream to find.

At a point that was probably far too early in our relationship for me to be saying creepy things like this, I told you that I felt like I wrote you. You seemed too good to be true - too funny, too smart, too handsome, too sweet, too romantic, too kind-hearted to be in love with me. I felt like I conjured you up in my mind, put pen to paper, and willed you into existence. But instead of being afraid that I'd lose you (which I imagined would be my subconscious natural state throughout our relationship), I felt sure. Sure that you weren't ever going away, sure that we met for a reason, and sure that I would spend the rest of my life loving you completely.

So, I transitioned from writing you to writing with you, which I assure you has been much more fun. Although the last three years have been the hardest of my life, they've also been the best, simply because you held my hand through them. You've cared for me when I was sick, wiped away my tears, put up with my celebrity crushes, slow-danced with me in the living room, introduced me to so many new, awesome things, and shown me the real definition of man meat. I can't wait to write the rest of our lives together.

You are, bar none, the best thing that's ever happened to me. I couldn't be more proud to be marrying you tomorrow.

I love you, baby bear.

- Britter

The Best of Vince Vaughn

Recently, one of my favorite bloggers, Helene in Between, made a Definitive Ranking of Zac Efron Movies and it inspired me to make a list of my own. I consider myself to be a bit of a Vince Vaughn connoisseur, so without further ado, I bring you:

Swingers

If you haven't seen Swingers, do yourself a solid and watch it. This is vintage Vaughn through and through. Plenty of the quick-wit, fast-talking, charming banter and monologues that you've come to expect from him, but without the cheesy, forced feeling of his recent movies. This is honestly one of my favorite movies of all time and his real-life friendship with Jon Favreau shines through in every scene.

Wedding Crashers

Let's be real: This is Vince Vaughn at his absolute best. You get the sense that most of the dialogue between Vince and Owen Wilson was improvised, a natural rapport that he has tried (and failed) to replicate ever since.

Old School

For me, Old School kicked off the Frat Pack craze of the 2000s, when each comedy tried desperately to top the last with raunchy hilarity. It's nice to go back and watch Vince, Will, and Luke Wilson lay the groundwork before ushering in the era of Judd Apatow.

The Break-Up

A perfect combination of funny and endearing, silly and serious. Unlike most of his prior movies, The Break-Up is realistic, hitting a bit too close to home for some couples. Although it was tough to contain my jealousy, I also loved Vince's brief fling with Jennifer Aniston. I mean, if I can't have him, it might as well have been Jen.

A Cool, Dry Place

You've likely never heard of this movie and that's probably because the plot is nothing groundbreaking. It is refreshing, however, to see Vince tackle a serious role and he completely melts my heart as single dad Russell Durrell. Oh, I should also mention that he used to look like this:

Honorable Mentions: Jurassic Park: The Lost World - I bet you didn't realize/remember he played a major role in the blockbuster sequel. Into the Wild - I really love this movie, but Vince is hardly in it, so I can't count it. Anchorman - The same is true here: So great, but too little Vince to count. Rudy - Speaking of too little Vince, did you know that Vince plays the quarterback in Rudy? The breeding ground of a beautiful friendship with Favreau.

What's your favorite Vince Vaughn movie?

Man Meat Monday #42: Update

Lesson: Writing to your favorite athletes, like a 12-year-old fanboy, might just pay off.

In fear that he'd blow me off, I failed mention that I actually wrote a fan letter to Todd Frazier a couple weeks ago. Really. Hand-written, self-addressed envelope inside, in the mail, the whole deal.

I only told three human beings on planet Earth that I'd written to him (for fear of alienating even more people with my creepiness). After two weeks, I was beginning to lose hope. The Reds had just finished a long homestand and I figured, if he was going to write, he would have done it by now.

Then, on Saturday, this came in the mail.



Swoon.

I'm already deciding who to write to next...

Man Meat Monday #42

It's been far too long since I've delivered some Man-Meaty goodness to you. So, here's some delicious man for you. Yes, he's an athlete, but I think you'll be pleased to know that he's only the second baseball player to ever receive the Man Meat treatment.

Todd Frazier

Claim to Fame: Utility player for the Cincinnati Reds

Birthday: February 12, 1986

As you know, I'm a football and hockey girl. Every summer, however, I make it to more than a few Reds games and I've really grown to love my hometown team. This year, while chipping away at a Lemon Chill at Great American Ballpark, I heard something out of the ordinary that drew my attention as quickly as a foul ball flying directly at my face. The sweet, sensual sound of Frank Sinatra's voice was playing in the stadium. In frenzied excitement, I looked to the jumbotron for an explanation.

Todd Frazier, a player who didn't make the team coming out of spring training, had chosen "Fly Me to the Moon" as his at-bat song. Instantly, I was his forever.

This season, Todd Frazier has been a jack-of-all-trades for the team. He's played in left field, helped out Scott Rolen at third base, and filled in for the injured (former Man Meat honoree) Joey Votto at first base. His offensive output has made him a frontrunner to be named Rookie of the Year.

Oh yeah - he's a 6'4", 220-pound, former Rutgers star that also won the 1998 Little League World Series.

Random Tidbit: If all of this isn't enough to win you over, Frazier saved someone's life earlier this year. While eating with teammate Ryan Ludwick at a Pittsburgh restaurant, he noticed that a nearby man was choking. Instantly, he rushed over and performed the Heimlich maneuver, dislodging the food from the man's throat and lodging himself even deeper into my heart.

Only downfall?: With Joey Votto's return to the lineup imminent, Frazier's role on the team is questionable. I have an idea: Brittany's new roommate. I even have a Rat Pack poster above my TV.

Kidnapping isn't out the question.

Bonus perk: He has the attractive Jersey accent without the obnoxious guido persona. Feast your ears.



So, readers: It's your turn. Would you fake a choking incident for some life-saving action from Mr. Frazier?

I don't know about the Heimlich so much, but I'm currently planning my Squints-style drowning episode for some CPR. Anyone know where Frazier swims?



...and every game, there he is, swinging and base-running, base-running and swinging...

Olympic Euphoria.

It has taken me a couple days to digest all the craziness of the Olympics so far.

If you already think I'm crazy, just stop here.

I have been living and breathing Olympic coverage. I turn the TV on and six hours later, I find myself watching Greece battle Croatia in water polo. I track it online for live results, I watch the primetime coverage, I curse the execs at NBC for postponing the footage, I cry at emotional athletes and every other commercial, but mostly, I drool.

Some incredible things have happened in the first week of the games. Swimming world records have fallen, a local girl won the first American gold in judo, the US women's gymnastics team took the first team gold since 1996, the US men's basketball team decimated the single game point record, Gabby Douglas made me cry like a maniac, a 38-year-old American cyclist won her second consecutive gold medal, and Danell Leyva blew my mind by battling back for the bronze in the men's all-around, being so attractive while also being born in 1991 (I'm officially old), and looking exactly like a white/Cuban Drake.

But, let's be real. I'm here to talk about swimmers.

My boy (yes, MY boy), Michael Phelps, has become the most-decorated Olympian of all-time...and then some. Tonight, he placed first in the 200m IM, beating his fellow countryman and America's new golden boy, Ryan Lochte, and earning him his 20th Olympic medal (and 16th gold). Sweet, sweet victory.

I could not be happier for him. I keep hoping he'll get bored and come back for Rio in 2016, but he sounds pretty certain in his retirement. So, I'll cherish these two final events and save the crying for later.

The good news? The world of US swimming has plenty of candidates for new favorites. I decided on Nathan Adrian LONG ago. Check out my Man Meat Monday on him and his response to it.

Yes, America. I told Nathan Adrian that I wanted to lick honey off of him and he thanked me for it. Classy girls - 0. Blogger creeps - 1.

Nathan just won his first individual gold medal by beating world record holder Cesar Cielo and pre-race favorite James Magnussen in the 100m free. So, I'd like to cordially invite all the Olympic bandwagon fans to the Nathan Adrian love-train I've been conducting for a couple years now. Join me! There's plenty of room.

Seriously, I think I custom ordered Nathan Adrian. He's huge, incredibly smart, funny, athletic, humble, professional, and well-spoken. I might press charges against him for aiding and abetting in the creation of my unrealistic expectations for men. No single human being should possess so many positive qualities. Good thing he's so hideous - he can't have it all. Right?

My god. I laugh to keep from crying, folks.

Man Meat (Pretend It's) Monday #41

I have a really awesome blogger meet-up to tell you about and I promise I will soon. However, I figure if I'm actually feeling inspired, I should do what I do best - which is talk about male celebrities, of course.

Thomas Sadoski

I promise he doesn't always cross his arms.

Claim to Fame: Actor (The Newsroom, 30 Beats, Broadway and Off-Broadway)

Birthday: July 1, 1976

There are few things in this life that I love more than HBO. Over the years, it has provided me with some of my favorite shows, including Entourage, Real Time with Bill Maher, Hard Knocks, 24/7, Boardwalk Empire, and True Blood. Most recently, it introduced me to my newest TV addiction, The Newsroom.

Confession: I'm a political science nerd. I'm sure it would bore most people even more than hockey, so I try not to blog about it often. However, I was a political science major in college, am extremely passionate about our country's democratic institutions, and spend an embarrassing amount of time reading the 'Politics' section of CNN. I took a number of Media & Politics classes at school and I'm enthusiastic about an informed citizenry. (But seriously, can we please put a limit on the endless campaign commercials? I'm going to pull out my hair.) Combine political topics and current events with The Social Network's Aaron Sorkin and I'm hooked.

Then, HBO decided to add Thomas Sadoski to the mix.

In fact, with actors like Dev Patel and John Gallagher Jr., the entire male cast is practically a deli of Man Meat. Thomas Sadoski, however, is my favorite. His brilliant portrayal of News Night's former executive producer, Don Keefer, perfectly straddles the line between utterly unlikeable and strangely relatable. He plays the show's "antagonist" with a finesse that almost leaves you rooting for him.

Also, THOSE LIPS.



Random Tidbit: He was once Mark Ruffalo's understudy in an Off-Broadway production of This is Our Youth.

Only downfall?: Still searching. I'll get back to you.

Today, I told him how much I appreciate his acting prowess on Twitter. He responded. *swoon*



I'm taking it as a compliment that I got more than a simple, "Thank you!"

So, readers: It's your turn. Could you focus with those lips telling you how Citizens United has changed the political landscape?

Me either...and I actually find it interesting.

Man Meat Monday #40

If Fifty Shades of Grey is "Mommy porn," then True Blood is porn for the 20-something-year-old girl. So, this week, I present to you True Blood's newest slice of Man Meat...

Scott Foley

Claim to Fame: Actor (Scream 3, Felicity, Grey's Anatomy)

Birthday: July 15, 1972

I can't find much information on Mr. Foley, but luckily, with a face like that, I don't need any. Ever since Scream 3, I've had a serious weakness for Scott Foley. So, when he suddenly appeared in the Season 4 finale of True Blood, I felt like the heavens opened up to rain even more manly goodness on me.

Random Tidbit: He speaks Japanese fluently.

Only downfall?: He's not in anything. Guest appearances on random TV shows aren't even close to satisfying my craving.

Although I'm not sure how I feel about his sketchy character on True Blood yet, I am sure of one thing: Congratulations on your face, Mr. Foley.

So, readers: It's your turn. Can the cast of True Blood get any more attractive?



Really, they are one Channing Tatum away from being the Magic Mike re-cast of my dreams.

Friends with Benefits?

I know it's Man Meat Monday, but I have a pressing question:

Which guy from Friends does it for you?



I absolutely love Friends. In college, I even lived in a house called Central Perk (which was conveniently located on Central Avenue). Probably to no one's surprise, I've been a lifelong Chandler enthusiast, but lately, I find myself liking Ross more and more.

So, I'm curious. Do you find Joey's clueless naivety and shameless flirting endearing? Does your heart melt with every sarcastic quip from Chandler? Am I the only one that finds Ross attractive?



I have a feeling the answer to the last question is yes.

Man Meat Monday #39

My newest celebrity crush?

Robert De Niro between 1973-1985.

Claim to Fame: Actor (Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas)

Birthday: August 17, 1943

There isn't much to say about Mr. De Niro that hasn't been said already. He is the oldest honoree in Man Meat history and is widely recognized as one of the greatest actors in American cinematic history. In the last week, I've watched Raging Bull twice and Taxi Driver four times. Something must be wrong with me because I would take De Niro over Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, or Ryan Gosling anyday.

However, I'm not too surprised by this development. De Niro looks pretty similar to a former Man Meat Monday honoree.

Random Tidbit: De Niro once held the record for most weight gained for a role when he gained 60 pounds to play an older Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull.

Only downfall?: This is the year 2012.

So, readers: It's your turn. Are you talkin' to him?


Man. I have good taste.

Man Meat Monday #38

It has been a shameful amount of time since I've shared some Man Meat with you. As promised, this blog will become a largely hockey-free zone until October, so my choices for the summer will be quite different.

Saturday, Jenn and I drove up to Detroit to see one of my current favorite bands, M83. If you are looking for something musically different, check out their newest CD, Hurry Up, We're Dreaming. The show was incredible. It took place in a really cool, open yet intimate venue called The Majestic Theater. A Swedish indie rock band called I Break Horses opened and set the perfect mood for the night. Like M83, their music was synth-pop with quiet vocals and electronic instrumentals.

Then came the main attraction. M83, which takes their name from the spiral galaxy Messier 83, had the music and set to match their namesake. Throughout the show, the backdrop pulsated with star-like, blinking lights that changed from song to song. As I had hoped, their shoegazing music put the crowd in a dream-like trance, its '80s style synth and hypnotic vocals luring the audience toward a truly mind-blowing finale. The saxophone solos on "Midnight City" and "Coleurs" had every single person in the place dancing.

Here was the setlist:

Intro
Teen Angst
Graveyard Girl
Reunion
Sitting
Year One, One UFO
We Own the Sky
Steve McQueen
Wait
Fall (Daft Punk cover)
This Bright Flash
Midnight City
A Guitar and a Heart
-----
Skin of the Night
Coleurs

'Why is this relevant to Man Meat Monday?' you ask. Oh, trust me. Have I ever steered you wrong?

On second thought, don't answer that.

Anthony Gonzalez

Claim to Fame: Musician (founder and frontman of M83)

Here is all I know about Anthony. He's French. He's in his early 30s. He lives in Los Angeles. He sounds like an angel.

Oh yeah - it's also fun to watch him dance around and do things to his keyboard that have you drooling by the end of the song.

This has been my favorite song for five months now. You're doing yourself a real disservice if you don't listen to it.



So, readers: It's your turn. Have you ever wanted to be an inanimate object more in your entire life?

Really. Keyboard or microphone. I'd gladly trade spots with either.

Man Meat Monday #37

Like the rest of America, I fangirled over saw The Hunger Games this weekend. Although the age-old adage of "The book was better" remains true, I thought the movie was great. It stayed remarkably close to the book and, aside from the ridiculous, sporadic cheering from the audience, I really loved it. The casting, in particular, was pretty close to perfect.

So, for this week's installment of Man Meat Monday, I thought I'd bring you the most aesthetically pleasing part of the casting...

Liam Hemsworth

Claim to Fame: Actor (The Last Song, The Hunger Games)

Birthday: January 13, 1990 (The very first slice of Man Meat born in the '90s - we're getting old, friends)

Even without seeing the cast, I was on Team Gale. Let's be honest. There is something irresistible about a motivated, rogueish revolutionary that hangs out in the woods. However, after seeing Mr. Hemsworth, any lingering doubts in the Peeta/Gale debate were dashed. Hello, Liam. Congratulations on your face.

Here's what you need to know about him: He's from Melbourne, Australia (he has the accent to match the face). He's 6'3". He is the younger brother of Thor (AKA Chris Hemsworth). There must be something in the Australian water.



Random Tidbit: He auditioned for the role of Thor before it was eventually awarded to his brother.

Only downfall?: He's dating Miley Cyrus. I'm not a fan.

You want to hear his voice. Trust me.



So, readers: It's your turn. You'd much rather be in that cave with Gale than Peeta. Real or not real?

2nd Annual March Manness Tournament!

The moment has finally arrived for the unveiling of the March Manness results!

You will be shocked to find that, of the 11 participants, absolutely no one had the same winner in their bracket. I guess we all have very different taste. Since there was no grand winner in the tournament (and a couple people cheated a bit), I will share some patterns I noticed with you:

- The celebrities with the most appearances in your FOXY Four were Ryan Gosling (5), Adam Levine (5), Leonardo DiCario (4), and Gerard Butler (4).

- No one likes athletes...except for me. Aside from my bracket, David Beckham was the only athlete that made it into anyone's EROTIC Eight. That's fine. MORE FOR ME.

- I am relieved to announce that Justin Bieber didn't make the cut for anyone's FOXY Four.

- Every celebrity advanced out of their initial match-up in at least one bracket.

- One guy, my dear friend Max, participated in the March Manness tournament. Will Ferrell won his bracket. Another close guy friend expressed his disgust that I could ever pair David Beckham with Patrick Dempsey. (I should mention that, unlike last year, I didn't seed this year's celebrities)

First, here is my bracket:



Winner: Tim Tebow

Click 'Read More' for everyone else's brackets! I'm sorry they are so hard to read - I'm not sure how to make them bigger. Thank you SOOO much for playing, ladies (and gentleman)! Let's be honest - hot guys are always more fun than collegiate basketball.

March Manness 2012

As you probably know, I love sports. Despite my best efforts, however, I cannot get into basketball - collegiate or NBA. So, every year around this time, I fill out a March Madness bracket, in hopes that I'll pay attention to the tournament and feel invested in some teams. I never do.

Last year, I decided to have some fun with a blank March Madness template. I've decided to do it again, but this time, YOU make the choices.

I bring you - The Second Annual March Manness Tournament.

I tried to choose universally appealing (or at least popular) male celebrities. I also tried to include actors (movie and television), musicians, and athletes. You'll be relieved to find that none of my major obsessions made the bracket (except for Tebow and Phelps). This means no hockey players, no politicians, and no goofy, tall guys. Unfortunately, it means Justin Bieber, Bradley Cooper, and Patrick Dempsey.

So, here's the plan. You fill out your bracket. I'm sorry I can't make it any bigger on my blog, but there is much bigger one on my Facebook. You can print it, then take a picture of it and send it to me. You can post it on your own blog. You can even just tell me who wins each stage in an e-mail, tweet, comment, or facebook message. I'll fill out the bracket for you!

On Monday, I will post all the brackets I've received (and my own) and we'll see if there is a clear winner!

Let's take objectifying men to the next level. Good luck!



In case you aren't sure who these people are:

Left side: George Clooney, Josh Duhamel, Robert Downey Jr., John Mayer, Johnny Depp, Ben Affleck, Tim Tebow, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Zac Efron, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, Patrick Dempsey, David Beckham

Right side: Denzel Washington, Robert Pattinson, Gerard Butler, Adam Levine, Justin Bieber, Matt Damon, Enrique Iglesias, James Franco, Mark Wahlberg, Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Eric Dane, Paul Walker, Colin Farrell, Drake, Michael Phelps

Morose, Mournful Man Meat Monday

If you watch The Walking Dead (or plan on watching the entire series at some point) and haven't seen this week's episode yet, STOP READING NOW!

Man Meat Tuesday: Valentine's Day Edition!

I realize it isn't Monday, but I thought my Man Meat Valentine's Day cards were a hit last year. I also don't have the energy or creativity to write a post with my thoughts on this little holiday. So, I'm starting my new career as an absurd celeb greeting card writer and making it a yearly tradition.

Like last year, I will provide you with a musician, an athlete, and an actor. They have made YOU a special Valentine's Day card. Now, you must vote (via comments) on whose card you'd most want in your carefully-decorated shoebox at the end of the school day. Man, I miss those parties.

Option #1



Option #2



Option #3

Yes. The correct answer is all of the above. But, when you get home from school, you can only tell your mom about one boy from class. Also, your immune system can only sustain an invasion from one boy's cooties...that is, assuming you've had your recent immunization (Circle, circle. Dot, dot. Now, you've had your cootie shot - you're welcome).

So, readers: It's your turn. Vote. Vote. Vote. Whose card do you want stuffed in your box? I'm obviously going with Sid on this one.

Super Man Meat!

Well, I didn't watch the Super Bowl.

HA. Kidding.

Although my excitement for the game was curbed drastically when both my Bengals and Packers were knocked from the playoffs, I wouldn't miss America's game for the world. Despite the fact that I didn't really care about the outcome (although I did bet $1 the Pats would win), the game didn't disappoint. Scoring started out with an intentional grounding call against Brady that resulted in a rare safety, putting the Giants up, 2-0. This was followed on the next drive by a pass from Manning to Victor Cruz for a touchdown (and end zone samba dance). However, in typical Tom Brady fashion, the Patriots were able to score both a field goal and a touchdown (to Danny Woodhead), giving them a 10-9 lead at halftime.

The Patriots extended their lead in the third quarter when Brady completed a touchdown pass to Aaron Hernandez. By the end of the third quarter, however, the Giants had responded with two field goals, leaving the score at 17-15. As America hoped, the fourth quarter became the battle of the quarterbacks: Brady vs. Manning.

Early in the fourth, Brady desperately threw the only interception of the game into the waiting arms of linebacker Chase Blackburn. Although no points resulted from the turnover, it seemed to be an omen for things to come. On the next couple Patriots' drives, crucial passes were dropped by Wes Welker, Deion Branch, and Aaron Hernandez. The Giants, however, capitalized on their final possession of the game. Pats' coach Bill Belichick made the calculated decision to allow RB Ahmad Bradshaw to score a touchdown, giving the Giants a 21-15 lead after a failed two-point conversion attempt. This left his wizard of a quarterback with 57 seconds to make some magic happen. After a couple dropped passes and with no time left, Brady heaved a pass into the end zone with the hopes that injured tight end Rob Gronkowski would come down with it.

He didn't. The rest is history. The Giants won Super Bowl XLVI, 21-17, and quarterback Eli Manning cemented his place alongside the league's elite when he was named the game's MVP.

Now onto the fun stuff. I loved Madonna's halftime show. I've always loved her, so I'm a bit biased. The only two karaoke songs I've ever performed are Celine Dion's "My Heart will Go On" and "Like a Virgin." The special effects were awesome, the guest appearances were fun, and Madonna looked great. I probably wouldn't have chosen those songs for her to perform, but all in all, I loved it.

My top five favorite commercials will have to wait until tomorrow because it wouldn't be Man Meat Monday without some attractive men. If I were a fan of David Beckham, I would just post his sexy commercial for H&M and let you drool. BUT, my taste in men defies convention and logic and I don't find him attractive. So, I will conduct some research, instead.

Last week, I read on MSN that more married women would rather have an affair with Eli Manning than Tom Brady. In the study, Manning edged out Brady with 54% of the votes. They explained the results by stating that most women found Eli to be "more relatable" and had "boy-next-door" good looks, as opposed to Tom Brady who seemed like "more of a hothead" and egotistical.

Now, I know I'm not a married woman, but this is all wrong. In fact, it almost seems offensive. Eli Manning isn't an ugly guy by any means. Tom Brady probably doesn't have the world's greatest personality, either. But, let's be honest: 54% of those voters are lying.



You may not like him, but you get lost in his eyes. His lips are a crime against humanity. You could literally drink from his chin.

So, readers: It's your turn. Which Super Bowl XLVI quarterback has access to your tight end?



I am wide open, Tom.

Man Meat Monday #36

I'll be honest. I want to brag about Evgeni Malkin for Man Meat Monday. He had a natural hat trick in the Pens' 6-3 win over the Tampa Bay Lightning today. I want to fangirl, post pictures of him shirtless, and hypothesize on his lovemaking methods.

But, I also love my readers. So, I'll do something a little different this week.

The Golden Globes were tonight. Here were my main thoughts: I love Ricky Gervais (although he was a bit too tame for my taste this year). I need to see some of these movies before the Oscars, especially The Artist. Angelina Jolie could stand to eat a sandwich (or 700). Cut your hair, Gerard Butler. Meryl Streep was drunk. Why can't I be Kate Winslet? The relationship between George Clooney and Brad Pitt melts my soul. Madonna can (and probably will) kick my ass. Where was Ryan Gosling? Why can't I be Tina Fey?

So, ladies and gentlemen, I will provide you with a full deli this week. Which celebrity stole your heart on the red carpet?






Adam Levine, Mark Wahlberg, Joseph Gordon Levitt? Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Bradley Cooper? Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender? Colin Firth, Channing Tatum, George Clooney? Hard choice, I know.

Of course, George Clooney gets me. If he's too obvious of a choice, I'd go with Colin Firth or Adam Levine. They're all attractive...

...but man. I'd drink Evgeni Malkin's bathwater.

Man Meat Monday #35

I came to a horrible realization today. I've been starving you. I haven't converted to vegetarianism. I've just been a horrible butcher.

After his terrific performance against the Steelers, I really wanted to Man Meat Tim Tebow, but I've already carved into that juicy hunk of man meat. If you want to hop on board the Tebow love train I've been conducting for a few years now, I will redirect you here and here.

I had full intentions of sharing this guy around Christmastime, but I was too lazy. Finally, I've decided to bring you one of my favorite singers of all-time...

Michael Buble

Claim to Fame: Removing girls' pants with nothing but his vocal chords

Birthday: September 9, 1975

The first time I heard Michael Buble sing, I knew I had lost. I threw in my cards and resigned myself to obsession. I've always loved crooners, but Michael Buble took it to a new level entirely.

His voice, obviously reminiscent of decades past, is simultaneously sexy, heartbreaking, cool, and soothing. He also has a certain unexplainable swagger, evident in the confident way he struts around on stage. This modern-day Sinatra serves as our generation's throwback to the jazz club era, constantly performing in a suit and tie. He also has an incredible way of modernizing classics, by making them contemporary and popular. I've been lucky enough to see him live twice and I assure you - it is WELL worth your money. His shows are incredible, his voice is fantastic, he does just as much hilarious stand-up comedy as singing, and let's be honest - the man looks good enough to eat.

He also loves little kids (and ALWAYS comes into the crowd to interact with them), has dual Canadian-Italian citizenship, speaks Italian, and has an accent in his name. You are defenseless to his charm.

Random Tidbit: As a good Canadian boy, he loves hockey. He's a huge Vancouver Canucks fan and, as part of his touring contract, he requires a "local team hockey puck" in his dressing room at every concert venue.

Only downfall?: He's married. He married a beautiful, blonde girl from Argentina last year and I'm still getting over it. I was convinced he had written "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" about me.

This video is a perfect summary of why I love him. Hilarious and creepy at the beginning. Sexy voice and swag throughout. Enjoy...probably in private.



So, readers: It's your turn. What would you do to be Mr. Buble's microphone?

Man Meat Monday #34

I know my blog has been nothing but hockey lately, and I promise I'll try my best to cool it, but it's Monday. You know what that means.

...and I've spent WAY too much time near this hunk of Man Meat lately not to choose him. I'm VERY curious to see if anyone agrees with me on this one. At long last, I present...

Evgeni Malkin

Claim to Fame: Center for and Alternate Captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins

Birthday: July 31, 1986

Born and raised in Russia, Evgeni "Geno" Malkin played in the Russian Superleague for three years before literally escaping to the United States to play for the Penguins. In order to do so, he had to leave his family, friends, country, and comfort zone at the age of 19, moving to an unfamiliar place where not only did he know no one, but he didn't even know the language.

Six years, one Stanley Cup, and nearly every other hockey award later, Geno feels at home in the US, has learned plenty of English, and has completely melted my heart. On a daily basis, I vacillate between wanting to shower with him and just wanting to hug him. I really cannot decide. Coach Dan Bylsma has said that of every player on the team, Geno probably has the highest IQ. Even without knowing the language, he picked things up incredibly fast and is constantly reading and learning. He acts like a big kid - he tells funny jokes and constantly plays around with his teammates. He also tweets the most incredible things in broken English. Here are a few golden examples:

"Just read that the tomato = fruit?? True?" - October 1, 2011

"I am getting ready to Halloween" - October 12, 2011



He also included this picture, which means that a 25-year-old, Russian, professional athlete took the time to decorate his backyard for Halloween. It also means that I would sell my soul to be with him.

If his big brains, talent, and personality aren't enough for you, he also has a huge...heart. (See what I did there?) He hosted the benefit I attended last month to raise money for the families of the victims of the Team Lokomotiv plane crash. I dare your eyes not to water when reading what he did after playing in a Russian hockey game for charity:



Oh yeah - he looks like that, too. His hands, his smile, his clothes, his deep voice. He even has that big oafish athlete look that tends to kill me. Speaking of kill me:



Oh, no. Don't worry. I didn't need my ovaries.

Random Tidbit: Geno owns a prison-themed restaurant back home in Russia, complete with barred windows and plank-beds for seats.

Only downfall?: He loves the Steelers. Really, he loves them.

Please notice how confused he looks when Dan Potash compares him to a Mercedes. Yes, he does say, "He pass me."



...and in his native language...



Now, I don't speak Russian at all very well, but I'm pretty sure the interviewer asked him how he feels about me. He responded something along the lines of: "Brittany fulfills a piece of my heart that I didn't know was missing. She shows me the meaning of love, makes me laugh, and makes me want to be the best version of myself. There is absolutely nothing in this life that I love more....and the sex? Mind-blowing."

Like I said, I'm not fluent. Just a rough translation.

So, readers: It's your turn. Does Geno's adorable personality chip away at you like a Russian nesting doll?

I don't know about you, but he makes me feel like this: