Olympic Euphoria.

It has taken me a couple days to digest all the craziness of the Olympics so far.

If you already think I'm crazy, just stop here.

I have been living and breathing Olympic coverage. I turn the TV on and six hours later, I find myself watching Greece battle Croatia in water polo. I track it online for live results, I watch the primetime coverage, I curse the execs at NBC for postponing the footage, I cry at emotional athletes and every other commercial, but mostly, I drool.

Some incredible things have happened in the first week of the games. Swimming world records have fallen, a local girl won the first American gold in judo, the US women's gymnastics team took the first team gold since 1996, the US men's basketball team decimated the single game point record, Gabby Douglas made me cry like a maniac, a 38-year-old American cyclist won her second consecutive gold medal, and Danell Leyva blew my mind by battling back for the bronze in the men's all-around, being so attractive while also being born in 1991 (I'm officially old), and looking exactly like a white/Cuban Drake.

But, let's be real. I'm here to talk about swimmers.

My boy (yes, MY boy), Michael Phelps, has become the most-decorated Olympian of all-time...and then some. Tonight, he placed first in the 200m IM, beating his fellow countryman and America's new golden boy, Ryan Lochte, and earning him his 20th Olympic medal (and 16th gold). Sweet, sweet victory.

I could not be happier for him. I keep hoping he'll get bored and come back for Rio in 2016, but he sounds pretty certain in his retirement. So, I'll cherish these two final events and save the crying for later.

The good news? The world of US swimming has plenty of candidates for new favorites. I decided on Nathan Adrian LONG ago. Check out my Man Meat Monday on him and his response to it.

Yes, America. I told Nathan Adrian that I wanted to lick honey off of him and he thanked me for it. Classy girls - 0. Blogger creeps - 1.

Nathan just won his first individual gold medal by beating world record holder Cesar Cielo and pre-race favorite James Magnussen in the 100m free. So, I'd like to cordially invite all the Olympic bandwagon fans to the Nathan Adrian love-train I've been conducting for a couple years now. Join me! There's plenty of room.

Seriously, I think I custom ordered Nathan Adrian. He's huge, incredibly smart, funny, athletic, humble, professional, and well-spoken. I might press charges against him for aiding and abetting in the creation of my unrealistic expectations for men. No single human being should possess so many positive qualities. Good thing he's so hideous - he can't have it all. Right?

My god. I laugh to keep from crying, folks.

Olympic Preview: Part 2

While watching the incredible Opening Ceremony tonight, I remembered that I was supposed to expose my obsession love for Michael Phelps. So, despite the serious risk of alienating all my friends with my creepiness, I'll try my best.

By now, you know I love celebrities. Understatement of the century. You've probably also noticed that these infatuations come and go. One week, I love Jonathan Toews. The next, I'm obsessing over Michael Buble. This comes in handy when I need inspiration for Man Meat Monday. However, there is one celebrity that I've loved consistently since 2000. That celebrity, of course, is Michael Phelps.

As I've already mentioned, the Olympics are a big deal in my house. During the Sydney Olympics in 2000, an attractive young swimmer caught my sixth-grade eye. He placed fifth in the 200m butterfly, I learned his name was Michael Phelps, and I was intrigued.

Throughout my entire childhood, my dad competed in marathons, triathlons, and even a couple Iron Man competitions. As a result, my living room television was tuned into international swimming every summer. In 2002, that meant the Pan-Pacs in Yokohama. As intrigued by sports as ever, I sat down and noticed, yet again, Michael Phelps. Only this time, he didn't finish his race in fifth place. During those Pan-Pacs, he won three gold and two silver medals while placing his name front and center in the world of swimming. I was hooked.

Ten years and sixteen Olympic medals later (14 gold, 2 bronze), I'm still as enamored with Phelps as I was back then. I'm way too ashamed to take a picture of the stack of magazines with him on the cover that I've saved over the years. I remember screaming like a maniac when he barely edged out Serbia's Milorad Cavic by one-hundredth of a second. I have his dimensions, calorie intake, medal count, and facial expressions memorized. I've defended him with fierce tenacity against those who criticized his marijuana incident and lack of training in 2009. With a level of devotion not unlike that of a loving wife, I follow him every summer...and, in the case of one summer, I mean that in a literal sense.

A couple summers ago, I actually traveled to Baltimore to see the place where his path to Olympic superstardom began: Meadowbrook swimming facility. I walked around the pool, taking pictures like a paparazzo for TMZ and imagining him in a heated discussion with Coach Bob Bowman about projected times.

I absolutely did not cry when Phelps announced that 2012 would be his final Olympic games...*cough* Yes, I did *cough* I begged my parents like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to take me to London for his swan song performance. The answer, of course, was a resounding "NO" because we aren't multi-millionaires. So, I settled with watching him swim in the Indianapolis Grand Prix in March.

It felt like the glorious culmination of a dream to finally watch him swim in person. Everyone in the crowd scooted to the edge of their seats and cameras started to flash as he shed his warm-up robe. The anticipation was palpable as he set up on the starting blocks, stretching and flapping his arms in his usual pre-swim routine. I held my breath as he dove into the pool for the first lap of the 400m IM.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. My eyes started to water as he shot ahead of the field in his signature stroke, the butterfly. I watched with a bit of trepidation as competitor Tyler Clary passed him during the backstroke. However, Phelps regained the lead with a strong breaststroke and just barely edged him out for first after the freestyle. That is my camera flashing at the finish.



As he stood on the medals podium, the water slowly made its way down the ridges of his carefully-chiseled abs. His body, glistening with a combination of water, sweat, and stadium lighting, took my breath away. On TV (even HD TV), his ridiculous body almost seems fake, something enhanced with the help of special effects. In person, however, his 6'4" frame became painfully real, something tangible and something very, very close. He looked like a masterpiece crafted after hours of painstaking work from a slab of marble. One hand rested on his hip as the other slid haphazardly through his dripping hair. He inhaled sharply, working to catch his breath, and, in my seat thirty feet away, I did the same.

This just became 50 Shades of Michael Phelps. Sorry I'm not sorry. I'm just passionate about him. This week, I will continue to cheer for him in his quest to become the most decorated Olympian of all-time. I will defend his honor against critics if GOD FORBID he leaves London with a medal that isn't gold. Mostly, however, I will cherish these last precious moments of watching him compete. I have watched Michael Phelps swim for half of my lifetime. It was an absolute privilege to watch him work his way into the history books. So, with a smile on my face and drool on my chin, I'll watch as my favorite athlete, one of the greatest athletes in history, ends his glorious career by making just a little more.

Swimming Extravaganza.

I belong to a small fraction of the country who actually follows swimming in non-Olympic years. I count down for Nationals and Worlds, I Youtube clips from the Grand Prix series, and I follow more swimmers on Twitter than hockey players.

Of course, Michael Phelps is my favorite swimmer of all-time, but I also love Nathan Adrian, Ryan Lochte, Missy Franklin, and Dara Torres. After months of subtle hints and even some flat-out begging, I realized that getting tickets for London 2012 was pretty unrealistic.

So, I convinced my mom to go to Indianapolis with me on Friday for the Grand Prix held at the Natatorium at IUPUI. It. Was. Amazing. Honestly, it was a dream come true to see Michael Phelps swim in person.

We showed up a little early to get good seats and, while we were sitting there, we spotted Ryan Lochte, listening to music and hanging out around the pool. Luckily, his shirt was on and we didn't deem him completely unapproachable. My mom shouted out to him and got him to sign our heat sheet!



The first men's championship final of the night was the 400m IM and Mr. Phelps himself was competing in it. It was surreal to see him on the starting blocks, stretching and flapping his arms like he always does. He barely won his race with a nail-biting finish time of 4:12.51. Tyler Clary took a very close second with a time of 4:13.01. The Natatorium went absolutely crazy for him.







Ryan Lochte competed in the 200m backstroke, but he came in a surprising fourth place. He must be tapering before the Olympics. He did, however, keep everyone entertained when he came out wearing a shirt that said 'Weirdo,' a blue sock, a bright green sock, and Chucks. He was also the only swimmer to compete in a Speedo. Hilarious.



I got to see a ton of other national swimmers and Olympians, including Missy Franklin (who won the 200m backstroke), Dara Torres, Cullen Jones, Peter Vanderkaay, Katie Hoff, Dana Vollmer, and Caitlin Leverenz. My favorite race, however, was the men's 50m freestyle. Why? Former slice of Man Meat and the only honoree to ever respond, Nathan Adrian.



While competing in the 100m freestyle the night before, Nathan's swimsuit ripped on the starting block. So, his (probably perfect) behind was exposed during the entire race. Despite the slight disadvantage, he won the race, beating even Michael Phelps with a time of 48.62 seconds. So, after cursing the gods for having me miss that incident by ONE night, I got my camera ready and taped his 50m race.



He won with a killer finish and a time of 21.88 seconds.

I seriously can't wait for the Olympics. Only 117 more days!

...and, in the meantime, I got myself my own little swimmer.




Actually, my sister bought him while on spring break in Florida and named him Jalapeño. She gave him to me because I love turtles. He is a baby yellow-bellied slider. He is only about an inch right now, but he will get much bigger and could live over 40 years! He's pretty shy right now, but I love watching him swim around.

A Nathan Adrian Hiatus.

Thursday, Nathan Adrian finished his season with a huge national championship win in the 50m freestyle.



Please notice 4:34-4:39. I am dead.

He decided to sit the 100m out in order to prepare for next year (in other words, London 2012). Much to my dismay, I won't have much to say about him until next summer.

So, fellow Nathan Adrian fans, I leave you with this to tide you over until the Olympics:


You are so welcome.

Victory!

History has been made. I received my first ever Man Meat Monday response.

After gathering all my courage (and some encouragement from friends), I decided to tweet the link to Man Meat Monday #25 to none other than Nathan Adrian.

This morning, he responded.


I highly doubt that, Nathan.

Needless to say, I'm thrilled. Apparently, it does pay off to be a creep.

Man Meat Monday #25

Quick Sports Update: Nnamdi Asomugha went to the Eagles. Like I said, they take the Super Bowl. Also, I forgot to mention 16-year-old Missy Franklin as a stand-out for the 2012 Olympics. You've been warned.

Yesterday was Evgeni Malkin's 25th birthday, so I had to fight the urge to Man Meat my Geno. BUT, we are nowhere near hockey season and the FINA Swimming World Championships just finished. So, here is this week's deserving hunk of perfection...

Nathan Adrian

Claim to Fame: Swimmer/Olympic gold medalist

Birthday: December 7, 1988

Let me explain. I love Michael Phelps (LOVE him), but he is retiring next year. I need a young buck to fulfill my swimmer fantasies when Phelpsy retires. Enter Nathan Adrian. I first saw him during the 2009 Worlds in Rome. Based solely on his appearance (come on - GORGEOUS, 6'6", 225 lbs), I googled him. What I found, however, gives me plenty of non-shallow reasons to obsess over him. I won't even begin with his impressive list of swimming accomplishments...or that he represents the US so wonderfully.

He is very close to graduating from the University of California - Berkeley as a pre-med, public health major. With a 3.75 GPA, he has been named (more than once) to the Academic All-America Team. There is only one thing more attractive to me than an enormous athlete...and that is a smart, enormous athlete. If you can spend five hours at the pool training for the Olympics, then come home to me and get into a hotly-contested debate on Nietzsche's influence on post-modern existentialism, I am yours. If you spend your day breaking state swimming records, then come home and challenge me in an episode of Jeopardy, then you aren't real. You are a figment of my imagination - a big, chiseled, handsome figment of my imagination.

Random Tidbit: Nathan Adrian is so adorably nerdy that he even made a guest appearance on an episode of MythBusters.

Only downfall?: He hasn't proposed yet.

Here is the clip from MythBusters. They wanted to see if you could swim as fast in syrup as you can in water. Spoiler Alert: You can.



So, readers: It's your turn. Would you like to use Nathan Adrian in some other food-related experiments?

Myth: Does Nathan Adrian taste better covered in honey? Plausible.


As a dedicated academic and a lover of the sciences, I am willing to put in hours of research.

I like sports and I don't care who knows.

My sports life is a disaster. A complete disaster. Let me explain.

Last night, I went to the Reds vs. Mets game with Mr. Koenig, Kelly, and Drew. Don't get me wrong: It's always fun to spend the evening at Great American Ballpark. It does, however, make it a little tougher to enjoy when the good guys lose, 8-2. They lost again today, which means the Mets swept us. The hunt for a REDS October is getting more and more difficult by the day...

Now, football. The end of the NFL lockout has been accompanied with a frenzy of trades, free agency discussions, and, as usual, disappointment for Bengals' fans. First, QB Carson Palmer is giving me headaches, even after his retirement. Mike Brown insists on punishing him and refuses to trade him. So, instead of getting something beneficial (like some draft picks) out of our big flop of a quarterback, we get nothing. Nothing. His replacement? Former Raider QB Bruce Gradkowski. Although his record isn't very strong, he does have a good work ethic, knows Jay Gruden's offensive scheme, and will be a good role model for our new franchise QB Andy Dalton.

In other Bengals' news, fan favorite Chad Ochocinco was traded to the New England Patriots. I suppose I saw this coming in a way. Chad has always had a friendly relationship with Bill Belichick and has wanted to leave Cincinnati for quite a while. With TO, Carson, and Chad gone, the Bengals seem to be starting over offensively. Fine by me - I gave up on our old offense long ago. I can't wait to see AJ Green in action.

...and I've decided on my preseason Super Bowl picks. Last year, I correctly predicted the Super Bowl winner, so the pressure is on. NEW YORK JETS vs. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES. Eagles take it all.

JETS. Rex Ryan has the right attitude, his players want to play well for him. The potential backfield of Darrelle Revis and Nnamdi Asomugha is unstoppable. With an incredible O-line centered by Nick Mangold, all the pressure lies on Mark Sanchez. If he has a strong season, the Jets are going all the way.

Other AFC teams I like: New England Patriots - You cannot count out Tom Brady. Baltimore Ravens - They're mad about last year. Look out.

EAGLES. Andy Reid's west coast offense seemed to be getting a lot of things right last year. After the Kevin Kolb disaster, Mike Vick proved to the world that he's back in a huge way. DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, and Brent Celek round out a strong offense. Oh yeah - the already-impressive defense added Oregon grad Casey Matthews (Clay's brother).

Other NFC teams I like: Green Bay Packers - Super Bowl champs with an incredible amount of returning talent. Atlanta Falcons - They looked great last year and Matt Ryan is my dream QB for the Bengals.

I would love, love, LOVE the Bears to make a playoff run. Urlacher, although still tremendously talented, is getting up there in age. He deserves a Super Bowl ring before he retires. DO IT, LOVIE!

...and finally, swimming. I belong to the very small portion of the country who follow US swimming in non-Olympic years. I also have an embarrassing, stalker-like crush on Michael Phelps. Last year, I was shocked and disappointed with Michael's performance in the Pan-Pacs - he failed to qualify for one final and dropped out of another. Phenom Ryan Lochte was already establishing himself as the best male swimmer in the country. Phelps, who is always too hard on himself, admitted that he needed to work harder. So, this week's results at the Swimming World Championships aren't too surprising.

Again, Ryan Lochte walked away with a world record in the 200-meter IM, the first world record set since the banning of those crazy swimming, fish suits two years ago. For Americans, Lochte is perfect news - amazing, young talent, scary work ethic, California-surfer boy-like attitude, and absolutely GORGEOUS. For Phelps fans, Lochte is scary. He signals the end of the Michael Phelps era, which was coming to an end, anyway. Phelps announced years ago that 2012 would be his last Olympics, but the prospect of him not going out on top upsets me. He has a LOT of work ahead of him before London...or we will be seeing him, standing a bit lower than Lochte on the podium.

Americans also left Worlds with a bronze in the 4x100 relay, finishing behind Australia and France. Ugh. Keep an eye on Australia's 20-year-old James Magnussen. He is a serious force to be reckoned with. Other notables to learn before 2012? Nathan Adrian and Rebecca Soni.

So, until London 2012, you can find me in my room, making nightly sacrifices to my 'Phelps Phan' poster and suppressing my enormous crush on Lochte and his new haircut (sans locks). Tasty slice of future man meat. I'm so sorry, Michael.