Secrets, secrets are no fun...

Today's #Blogtober prompt? Share a Secret About You.

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm pretty much an open book. I've been really open lately about my health-related struggles and how I'm dealing with my mom's illness. But, there is something I haven't shared on this space yet. It's not a secret with my family or friends, but I haven't posted it here.

I've been taking an antidepressant for two months...and it's helping.

The first week after I started sertraline (the generic name for Zoloft), I felt miserable. I called off work for two days in a row, slept all day, felt achy, nauseous, and incapable of doing anything. My doctor warned me that I might experience some side effects and that they often subside after your body gets used to the medication. So, I stuck with it, using an anti-anxiety medication (klonopin) to get me through the first few days.

Gradually, I started feeling better physically, but didn't notice a difference in my mental state. After a couple weeks, however, I suddenly realized that I wasn't crying every day or having huge breakdowns in my living room every night. The effects were gradual, but it was working.

Via

Unfortunately, I also noticed that my happy moments weren't quite as happy. The medicine seems to level me out, prevent me from getting too high or too low. While I wish I could enjoy the good moments with as much emotion as before, I'll gladly take this alternative if it means avoiding the panic, sadness, and fear that occupied me a few months ago.

I've also noticed a few lingering side effects that are driving me crazy. First, I'm itchy. It's not scratch-until-your-skin-rips itchy, but it's really annoying. It's mostly on my legs, but also on my arms. I know that's a sign of an allergic reaction, but it took at least a month for the symptom to develop. Second, I'm sweating so much more than normal. If I'm doing anything remotely active or in a hot place, I'm sweating profusely. I'm also waking up every single night, completely soaked in sweat. Finally (and I know this one coincided with the medicine), I've developed floaters in my vision. They only show up when I'm in the sun, a super bright light, or looking at a computer screen. They appear briefly when I move my eyes, then disappear totally until I move my eyes again. Frustrating.

I have an appointment with my doctor next month to update her on how things are going. Even with the annoying side effects, I would rather take this medicine than suffer the alternative. I'm also working on my emotions and how I deal with negative thoughts. More on that to come...