An unconscious tale from a self-conscious girl.

Despite my borderline creepy obsession with the Cincinnati Bengals, I had never made the trek down to Georgetown, Kentucky to watch training camp in action. So, this year, I decided that I would finally go...and I dragged my lucky mom along with me.

Bengals training camp is held at Georgetown College, a small college near Lexington. For two weeks, the players live in dorms and attend daily (and sometimes twice daily) practices. They also have a yearly scrimmage called the Orange and Black Game. However, this year, since they were chosen to play (and disappoint) in the Hall of Fame Game, the scrimmage was canceled. We missed the first week of camp while we were in Baltimore and had limited options remaining in the last week. Ultimately, we opted to go to the very last practice of camp. This also happened to be the hottest day of the summer.

Camp itself was awesome. It's free to attend (but they get you with a $15 parking fee) and it's as close to the players as you can get without having front row at Paul Brown...or finding their home addresses...

All of my favorite players were there. I saw Dhani Jones, Chad Ochocinco, Domata Peko, and Rey Maualuga. They split the players by position and did drills and warm-ups before pitting the offense against the defense. Even though there was an understanding not to be too rough, Maualuga took Jordan Shipley out...hard. I got to take pictures of Cedric Benson, Carson Palmer, and T.O.

Chad is always so much fun to watch - he's like a child with a severe case of ADHD. He can't hardly focus on anything...he's always walking around, making jokes. He rode up to practice on a segway and had to stop to weave in and out of the cones on the field. Throughout practice, he kept playing with a soccer ball and he even went up behind a cop and frisked him.

I was in Heaven...only it felt like Hell. Someone told us it was 105º and 110º with the heat index.

After about an hour and a half, Mom and I decided to head up to the shade for a bit. She warned me to stand up slowly and I did. We walked up the stairs and I still felt fine. As soon as we walked into the shade, though, I felt like I was going to pass out.

I have a history of passing out. Over the years, I've passed out at King's Island, Disney World, and even Lebanon High School in the middle of a psychology presentation for Mrs. Powell. Awesome. So, I know the warning signs and at this moment, I was displaying all of them.

We walked into the tiny gift shop which, due to the constant in-and-out traffic, actually felt hotter than outside. I promptly sat down in the corner, unconcerned with any fire hazard I may have been creating. My hearing was going, I was getting tunnel vision, and I knew it was happening. So, I kindly told my mom, "I'm going to pass out." After that sentence, I have absolutely no recollection of what happened.

Word on the street is that my head tilted to the side, my eyes rolled back in my head, and my tongue flopped out. Attractive. Apparently, my mom even shook my head around...but to no avail. Next thing I knew, I was coming to and I saw a lovely gift shop worker named Nicole with a fan pointed at my face and my mom kneeling beside me.

"We lost you there for a second," said Nicole.

"Great," was my witty reply.

I guzzled down an entire water bottle and noticed that the single hottest guy NOT wearing football pads, a camp security guard who was easily 6'4", was standing over me shielding my floppy body from on-lookers. Fantastic.

He handed me another water bottle and told me it was cold. They told me the medics were on their way.

"I don't need medics. I passed out. I feel better now." Their response? "It's protocol. You aren't the first one to pass out this camp." This, of course, provided me with absolutely no comfort.

Sure enough, the medics showed up. Three nice, yet incredibly nerdy guys, who were certainly sweating more than me. One gentleman tried to take my blood pressure and after two botched attempts, he asked another medic to do it. The second guy got a reading on the first try and informed the other guy that he had had the thing on backwards. Yet again, awesome.

While one of the medics was pricking my finger to test my blood sugar level and the other was explaining the dangers of dehydration to me, a belligerent woman in the gift shop was angrily reaching over us, trying on hats. Nicole asked her three times to please step away and the lady refused. She yelled something about paying $50 in parking fees and waiting for two hours before the complex opened. Then, she looked right at me and assured me it wasn't my fault. Oh thank God - I thought. I was feeling awfully guilty about her parking charge. WTF?

I glanced up and saw my mom sobbing to Nicole about how worried she had been. That's just like my mom - cool under pressure when things look bad, but the instant she can relax, she breaks down.

At this point, one of the medics looks at me and says, "We don't think it's life-threatening, but you should go home."

What the hell? Never once did 'life-threatening' even cross my mind. Thanks, guys. I don't really think you have to pry me away from Chad anymore. I'm ready to go. I practically sprinted out of there, head down, after I shouted a few 'Thank you's'.

So, Mom went to get the car while I was forced to sit in the ambulance. While in the ambulance, one of the medics showed me his Star Wars pictures on his iPhone. The other one told me that the only other patient of the day had been a dog named Oliver that was painted like a Bengal tiger.

I am the definition of cool. I would pass out at Bengals training camp. My sister told me I should have passed out in the stands so the players would have noticed me. She's probably right. My mom could have dramatically shrieked, "OH NO! My daughter, Ochocinco's biggest fan, is passing out!"

Well, there's always next year... ;)