UnBEARable Sunday

Last post of the night. I promise.

After the Bears' second straight loss by a field goal, my beloved Bear boo, Brian Urlacher, said some things that made me stop dead in my tracks:

"Disappointing, frustrating, all the adjectives or verbs, whatever they're called, I don't know what they're called, whatever you want..."

Hold the phone.

Now, I understand that he was upset. I would be, too. Without question. Cutler threw four interceptions in their 17-14 loss to the Redskins. The Bears' defense scored almost as many points as they gave up. They forced three turnovers and held the Redskins to just one offensive touchdown.

That being said, I'm a bit concerned with Brian's lack of grammatical prowess. As most of you know, I'm a borderline obsessive-compulsive editor. I point out spelling mistakes, correct grammar mistakes, etc. I know it makes me sound like a snob, but I can't help it. Not surprisingly, it follows that I find good grammar (or at least some knowledge of the basic parts of speech) sexy. Yes, sexy. If a guy articulates himself well, he scores points with me.

At the very least, Brian should understand what a verb is. Right? I know his sole purpose on the team is to run down opposing offenses like they just insulted his mother, but come on. He is also the man of my dreams. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to right this horrific wrong. I would like to take this opportunity to extend my services as an English tutor to Mr. Urlacher. With his consent, I would like to teach him the eight parts of speech...

He seems to be a visual learner. So, to make things easier, I could even create visual depictions. They would go something like this:

Noun: a person, place, thing, or idea. You, Brian, are a noun. So is football.

Pronoun: a word that can replace a noun. For example, "I want you." In this sentence, 'I' replaces 'Brittany' while 'you' replaces 'Brian.'

Verb: an action word or a state of being. An example sentence would be, "I would do anything to fondle you right now." In this case, 'do' and 'fondle' are the verbs. Hint, hint. That was a not-so-subtle message.

Adjective: describes or quantifies a noun. For example, "Your bulging biceps make me want to tear off your shirt." The adjective 'bulging' describes your biceps...and, seriously. Lose the shirt.

Adverb: a word that modifies a verb, an adjective, or another adverb. For example, "While tenderly making love in the shower, Brittany taught Brian about adverbs." Of course, the word 'tenderly' describes how we carried out the verbal phrase 'make love.'

Preposition: a word that describes the relationship of an object with the rest of the sentence. "I am on you." Here, the word 'on' describes where I am in relation to you. Want to trade places?

Conjunction: a word used to link words or clauses. "You and I belong together." In this case, the word 'and' links us together. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Interjection: a word used to convey emotion (usually followed by an exclamation mark). "YES! Don't stop!" Enough said.

...and there you have it. I think I could be a highly-effective teacher.

In other Bears' news, Jay Cutler is looking better and better...and by 'looking better,' I do NOT mean on the football field. Although his play has been dismal since the game against the Giants, I can't resist my attraction to him. Check out the new facial hair and plaid...and disregard the horrendous stat underneath his name.

If loving him is wrong, then I don't want to be right.