Day 3: Your First Love
Oh boy...this is a pretty loaded topic.
Unlike the rest of the blogging world, my first love wasn't Jesus or my current boyfriend/husband. So, I'm struggling with this one.
It always feels like love, doesn't it? In the moment, you are absolutely convinced it's love until the next one. Then, you're convinced you love him...until the next one.
**Names are changed for privacy purposes**
In 6th grade, I was convinced that I was in love with B. However, as the year progressed, I realized more and more that it was infatuation. I changed who I was to impress him, I hung around him all the time in hopes of getting his attention. Slowly (and painfully), I realized that he only liked me as a friend and eventually, I stopped pretending to be someone else. I can honestly say that since the 6th grade, I haven't changed myself one bit for a guy. Lesson learned...so, thanks B!
A came into my life in 7th grade. Once again, I was sure this was love. This was very different than B. Feelings were reciprocated and I fell hard. However, the 'relationship' (I really wouldn't call it that) was extremely unhealthy, especially for a middle schooler. How I felt for him vacillated between love and infatuation. Eventually, I reached the point where I couldn't handle being 'loved' in private and ignored in public. Hence, my self-esteem issues? ...but that's another post altogether.
Freshman year, I met S. He was unlike B and A in every way. He was a senior and served as the quintessential older crush. He played football, had a car, made me feel special, etc. Talking to him gave me serious butterflies. Stereotypical young girl putting everything on the line for the older guy. As could be expected, he graduated and there I was...searching for someone else.
...and then came Z. The whole point of this entry. I think I would classify Z as my 'first real love.' He was everything I wanted and more. Physically, he looked like my ideal guy. Mentally, he was my ideal guy. Very intelligent, hilarious, football lover/player. The down side? He was emotionally 7 years old...and that might be generous. Still, everything felt comfortable with him. He made me laugh and it just clicked. We were practically inseparable for three years. I had some of the best times of my life with him. (Don't let me over-romanticize this. He was a disaster in many ways and never really treated me right. I see that now.)
When college started and we were separated, I was hell-bent on keeping 'us' the same. Time, however, had different plans for us and we made our separate ways. I fought against change for at least a year and put myself (and Jenn) through utter hell. However, when I finally spent more time with him, I slowly began to realize that he wasn't the person I loved anymore. It's amazing how time both hurts and heals. I wish more than anything that I could have comforted my 18-year old self...but I know better. That girl, the one so deeply and blindly in love, wouldn't have listened.
BUT, I don't regret it at all. I learned so much about myself from Z...and I'm a much stronger person today because of him.
Sweet heavens. Sorry for the novel.
Oh yeah - the Pens are now 1-3 and still winless at home. Not good.
hey, it's ben, finally decided to comment. that post was completely depressing, i can't believe the pens are 1-3, total bummer...i wouldn't know anything about the love bit though. later.
ReplyDelete