Perfect Season.

I know I already posted today, but my beloved Pens won their season opener against Vancouver last night in a shootout. Matt Cooke, playing against his former team, had a monster game with both a powerplay goal and a short-handed goal. James Neal scored the first Pens' goal of the season and Flower played like a brick wall when it really counted, despite letting Vancouver back into the game. Kris Letang scored the first pretty shootout goal and, after Flower denied Samuelsson and Burrows, my Russian lovekitten Geno scored what looked to be the easiest shootout goal in the history of the game.

Needless to say, my Pens are 1-0 on the season and, although it's early, they look to be serious contenders for the Cup this year. I can't even fathom the potential with Sid back. Canada should seriously consider making his first game back a national holiday...that I will also celebrate religiously.

But, my real reason for this post is to show you my new Christmas list.

One of my favorite hockey blogs, The Hockey Junkies, recently introduced me to a company called Bleacher Creatures. Yes, friends. There is a company making stuffed versions of my favorite athletes.


These are Geno and Sid. I admit - they look nothing like their human counterparts. Geno looks like he got punched in the face a few times or hasn't slept in 72 hours. The makers also neglected to include Sid's flawless, bee-stung lips and I've never seen his hair doing that. Ever.

However, I think I need these in my life. That way, I can say that I sleep between Sid and Geno every night and not be lying.

By the way, this company also makes a Brian Urlacher. So, basically, all of my dreams are coming true.

Defending my Boo until the end.

I've been closely following (and criticizing) the NFL Network's Top 100 Players of 2011. The list was voted on by the players themselves, so it is an honor to be on the list at all.

However, this week, it was released that Brian Urlacher, my monster from the midway, was only #49. Here was my exact reaction:


There is no scenario in which Brian Urlacher shouldn't make the top 40, especially after his impressive comeback performance last year. I can go on all day about his stats (*cough* he has the MOST tackles in Bears' history), but I'll leave it alone.

These guys also voted Ben Roethlisberger as #41. Come on - I don't even like him, but I know that with his resume, he's being a bit undersold there. He may not be the prettiest player or a gunslinger in the Brett-Favre ideology, but he usually gets the job done. Get it right, boys!

Don't worry - I don't wear my jerseys backwards.

Because you knew it was coming...

...a football update.

Today was a huge weekend for NFL football. This, of course, translates into a huge day for me. Both the AFC and NFC championship games were played today, resulting in the Superbowl 45 matchup for February 6th - Packers vs. Steelers

Game 1: Packers vs. Bears

I was beyond torn for this game. Although my family allegiance and my heart lies with the Green Bay Packers (in fact, my grandma is a team stock-holder), my beloved Brian Urlacher plays for the Bears. He's getting close to retirement age and I would love for him to win a Superbowl ring before his glorious career is over. Although the Packers shot out to an early lead, the Bears battled back, despite losing their starting quarterback Jay Cutler in the 3rd quarter to a "knee injury." In a championship game, I think it would take a very severe injury to keep a player from helping his team win. The Superbowl is on the line and it would take something catastrophic to keep me from playing. From my admirable position as couch quarterback, it appeared to me that his injury was a bit exaggerated, due in part to his poor performance. Only Cutler knows just how "injured" he really was...and I'll let his sexy (yet wimpy) conscience deal with that.

At any rate, Brian had an interception, a sack, and led the team in tackles. However, his heroic efforts weren't enough to carry the Bears to single-handed victory. The Packers won, 21-14, clinching not only a spot in the Superbowl, but dominance of the NFC North, some bragging rights for cheeseheads nationwide, and a little closure after the horrifying Favre aftermath. GO PACK! Oh yeah - Aaron Rodgers and his belt celebrations are amazing. However, absolutely nothing beats big BJ Raji and his phenomenal touchdown dance. There is nothing I like more than a 338-pound defensive player scoring his first touchdown and getting down with his bad self.



Game 2: Jets vs. Steelers

Yikes. I absolutely loathe the Steelers, so my game-time enthusiasm was directed solely toward Rex Ryan and his Jets. The first half looked atrocious. The offense forgot to show up and Mark Sanchez looked more afraid than me at the dentist. 3-and-out mania. Because the defense was constantly on the field, they wore down easily. The Steelers took a 24-0 lead by halftime. Ugh. Then, I'm not sure what happened in the locker room. Rex Ryan must have lit some serious fires under people because the Jets came out ready to play. They started a nearly-heroic comeback, posting an impressive 19 points and holding the Steelers to 0. However, in the brilliant words of teen star Jojo, it was simply 'too little, too late.' The Steelers, aka the bane of my existence, held onto the lead, winning the AFC title for the third time in six years. *vomit*

So, in order to distract myself from this horrible news, I've decided to show you a little something special that happened during tonight's big game. Although I used to love Ben Roethlisberger (he is the pride and joy of my alma mater), I've come to terms with the fact that he is a pompous jerk who doesn't make the best life decisions. Everyone knows about the rape allegations made against Big Ben in the past. So, does anyone else find it funny that he got a tiny taste of his own medicine from his own teammate tonight? Hump away, Mendenhall. Hump away.



*throws flag for roughing the passer*

In other sports' news, QB Carson Palmer is demanding a trade from the Bengals and threatening to retire if said trade isn't made. I, of course, am throwing a giant party at my house to celebrate my long-awaited retirement as the conductor of the Carson Palmer doubt train. Feels good.

...and Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin aren't playing in the NHL all-star game this weekend. Sid is still recovering from his "mild" concussion (who the hell labeled this 3-week concussion as 'mild?'). Geno has a banged-up knee and a sinus infection...that he clearly got from violently making out with me. For which ailment am I to blame, you ask? The cold or the knee? I'll let you decide. ;)

Finally, my little brother left for boot camp today - for real this time. I could not be more proud of him. Today felt so much easier than last time. The timing wasn't right in December and everyone could feel it. It felt so hard to let him go. I still had a hard time today, but something felt better...and I can't quite put it into words. Either way, I'm thankful we had the extra time with him and I cannot wait to see him graduate in April.

Man Meat Monday #2

I'm not going to lie. I deemed the first ever Man Meat Monday to be a huge success. I absolutely loved reading your comments. I hope to get more and more every week! Keep it up, loyal readers!

Based on my weekend activities (or utter lack thereof), it shouldn't be too surprising to learn that this week's honoree for Man Meat Monday is not only a football player, but my 2nd favorite celebrity crush of all-time...

Brian Urlacher

Claim to Fame: Middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears

Birthday: May 25, 1978

In honor of the Bears' playoff win today, I've chosen Brian Urlacher, my big, sweltering chunk of testosterone-filled man meat. Although I never could have predicted an infatuation with a bald man, my instant attraction toward Mr. Urlacher isn't very shocking. It goes without saying, but I love football...Brian Urlacher is the flawless embodiment of passionate, dedicated, defensive football. Not only has Brian been named to the Pro Bowl seven times, but he's won NFL Defensive Player of the Year (2005) and consistently leads his team in tackles. After attending the University of New Mexico, he was chosen 9th overall in the 2000 NFL draft. He's captured the nickname of 'Monster of the Midway' and the hearts of Bears' fans ever since.

He's humble, handsome, and huge (6'4" and 258 lbs). He's a family man, he's shy, and like Vince, he lives in a lovely suburb of beautiful Chicago. He loves his teammates, serves as their emotional leader, and, at times, he seems to single-handedly take games into his own hands. Since we can't just be shallow here at Man Meat Monday (HA!), he also takes part in community service projects, donates his time and money to the Special Olympics, and hosts his own children's football camp every summer back home in Albuquerque. Excuse me while my ovaries explode.

Random tidbit: He has a younger brother named Casey, who played briefly for the Chicago Rush of the Arena Football League.

Only downfall?: He has two children (Pamela and Riley) with his ex-wife and a son (Kennedy) with another baby mama. I thought that was my role.

Oh yeah - I met Mr. Urlacher in 2007 at an autograph convention and he was incredibly nice. When I explained to him that we couldn't make love right then and there in the convention center, he completely understood, despite his ravenous and primal yearning (But, seriously, he put up with my stuttering and got a picture with me).



So, readers: It's your turn. Would you let Brian Urlacher BEAR down on your tight end? ...or is it just me?

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 25 and my lover.

I'm behind. I know. Almost done. Stick with me.

Day 25: iPod Shuffle - 10 shuffled songs on my iPod

"Father Figure" - George Michael
"Long Time Gone" - The Dixie Chicks
"Thickfreakness" - The Black Keys
"Drive In Drive Out" - Dave Matthews Band
"Over" - Drake
"All Shook Up" - Elvis Presley
"Sexual Healing" - Marvin Gaye
"So Ambitious" - Jay-Z ft. Pharrell
"So Happy I Could Die" - Lady Gaga
"Tangled Up in Blue" - Bob Dylan

...clearly, my iPod is all over the place. I love it.

Do you remember that show Fanatic on MTV? People would submit videos explaining their unhealthy obsessions with celebrities. Then, MTV would choose the #1 fan and that fan would get to meet their celebrity obsession.

Why did I bring this up? Because I'm overwhelmingly convinced that I would be chosen for a hypothetical Brian Urlacher episode.

In case you don't already know (HA!), I love Brian Urlacher. ...and by love, I mean obsess over. Really. I do. It's borderline creepy, but it's a reality. My family and friends came to terms with it long ago. My bedroom doubles as an Urlacher altar of sorts. I have a gigantic Urlacher fathead, a jersey, a 'Property of Urlacher' hoodie, books, a pennant, a woven tapestry throw blanket, two huge posters (one of which is signed by him), a framed picture of me with him, etc.

Today, somehow, I fell even more in love with him. Why?



Because we eat the same Chipotle burrito.

We belong together. I'm convinced.

UnBEARable Sunday

Last post of the night. I promise.

After the Bears' second straight loss by a field goal, my beloved Bear boo, Brian Urlacher, said some things that made me stop dead in my tracks:

"Disappointing, frustrating, all the adjectives or verbs, whatever they're called, I don't know what they're called, whatever you want..."

Hold the phone.

Now, I understand that he was upset. I would be, too. Without question. Cutler threw four interceptions in their 17-14 loss to the Redskins. The Bears' defense scored almost as many points as they gave up. They forced three turnovers and held the Redskins to just one offensive touchdown.

That being said, I'm a bit concerned with Brian's lack of grammatical prowess. As most of you know, I'm a borderline obsessive-compulsive editor. I point out spelling mistakes, correct grammar mistakes, etc. I know it makes me sound like a snob, but I can't help it. Not surprisingly, it follows that I find good grammar (or at least some knowledge of the basic parts of speech) sexy. Yes, sexy. If a guy articulates himself well, he scores points with me.

At the very least, Brian should understand what a verb is. Right? I know his sole purpose on the team is to run down opposing offenses like they just insulted his mother, but come on. He is also the man of my dreams. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to right this horrific wrong. I would like to take this opportunity to extend my services as an English tutor to Mr. Urlacher. With his consent, I would like to teach him the eight parts of speech...

He seems to be a visual learner. So, to make things easier, I could even create visual depictions. They would go something like this:

Noun: a person, place, thing, or idea. You, Brian, are a noun. So is football.

Pronoun: a word that can replace a noun. For example, "I want you." In this sentence, 'I' replaces 'Brittany' while 'you' replaces 'Brian.'

Verb: an action word or a state of being. An example sentence would be, "I would do anything to fondle you right now." In this case, 'do' and 'fondle' are the verbs. Hint, hint. That was a not-so-subtle message.

Adjective: describes or quantifies a noun. For example, "Your bulging biceps make me want to tear off your shirt." The adjective 'bulging' describes your biceps...and, seriously. Lose the shirt.

Adverb: a word that modifies a verb, an adjective, or another adverb. For example, "While tenderly making love in the shower, Brittany taught Brian about adverbs." Of course, the word 'tenderly' describes how we carried out the verbal phrase 'make love.'

Preposition: a word that describes the relationship of an object with the rest of the sentence. "I am on you." Here, the word 'on' describes where I am in relation to you. Want to trade places?

Conjunction: a word used to link words or clauses. "You and I belong together." In this case, the word 'and' links us together. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Interjection: a word used to convey emotion (usually followed by an exclamation mark). "YES! Don't stop!" Enough said.

...and there you have it. I think I could be a highly-effective teacher.

In other Bears' news, Jay Cutler is looking better and better...and by 'looking better,' I do NOT mean on the football field. Although his play has been dismal since the game against the Giants, I can't resist my attraction to him. Check out the new facial hair and plaid...and disregard the horrendous stat underneath his name.

If loving him is wrong, then I don't want to be right.