Sexless in the Suburbs.

My life goals come in three different categories: 1. Those that will probably happen. 2. Those that have an equal likelihood of happening or not happening. 3. Those that are absurdly impossible and I obsessively dream about.

Here are some examples.

Goals in Group #1 - Get a steady job that I enjoy. Move into my own apartment or house. Get a smart phone.

Goals in Group #2 - Get married. Have children. Travel to Greece.

Goals in Group #3 - Provide the voice for a Disney character. Start my own sports' network for which I am an extremely biased commentator that makes as many provocative remarks about the athletes as interesting, valid statements. Own a fountain soda machine.

You get the picture. Looking at my life right now, I am baffled. I don't know what I was thinking as a high school senior. In the back of my mind, I thought that after I graduated from college, I would be doing something fabulous. I would be simultaneously changing the world, working a job that I love, living in a big city, dating gorgeous and successful men, and existing on little to no sleep. You know - Sex and the City...without the designer clothes, cocktails, and Miranda.

Instead, I am living Sexless in the Suburbs. Wasting away on the couch, watching every new episode of Piers Morgan Tonight, playing Bejeweled and self-diagnosing on WebMD, unemployed, sleeping during the few hours of sunlight, and only coming into contact with four guys on a regular basis: Dad, Josh, the lovely gentleman who works at the bank, and our dog Prince.

Wow. What happened to my drive? Didn't I get voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' by my graduating class? Didn't I feel ready to take on the world? Where did my ambition go? Did I eat it? Because that would explain my unprecedented weight gain.

At any rate, I need a swift kick in the pants. Instead of working toward the plausible goals in group #1, I find myself creating more unrealistic goals for group #3. Counter-productive.

But, seriously, I came up with a great one: Marry a Staal brother.

From left to right in the last picture: Eric (Carolina Hurricanes), Jared (AHL/ECHL player), Jordan (Pittsburgh Penguins), and Marc (New York Rangers)

The glorious royal family of NHL hockey. Born between 1984 and 1990, these four brothers were born and raised on a sod farm in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada. They are all 6'4" and weigh over 200 pounds. They work hard, are super competitive, and have no problem laying a serious hit on each other. Two of them have already won the Stanley Cup. They are the perfect mix of Aryan goodness and the ginger Prince-Harry vibe...and in the words of Santana from Glee, I wants one and I wants one now.

Eric is married and Marc is engaged, so that narrows it down a bit. Obviously, I want Jordan. He's a Penguin and he's beautiful.

But, I would settle for Jared. No doubt about it. I just want to be there for Christmas morning, so I can watch them look in their stockings before playing a pick-up game on the backyard rink. I'm allowed to openly drool over all of them. Sharing is caring, right?

See what I mean? Counter-productive. You are welcome to shatter my dreams and bring me back to reality.

...on second thought, I think I'll just go to Miami for Green Beer Day.

Happy Birthday, Jenn!

Roughly 13 years ago, I approached the girl who I deemed to be the coolest in my fourth grade class (based on her matching sweatshirt/sweatpants combos, of course) and presented her with a contract. It read:

I, (print full name here), solemnly swear to be Brittany Lynn Johnson's best friend from this day forward. I am fully aware of the job hazards and obligations thereby presented to me and choose to accept this daunting mission, nevertheless.

Effective immediately, I promise to:

- Share an equal love of the Backstreet Boys

- Support her through her "wiccan" phase and insist that a tie and black lipstick are, indeed, a good look for her

- Aid and abet in any stalking adventures for current crushes (celebrity or civilian)

- Hug her daily, even though I have severe personal space issues

- Befriend her equally-bizarre family

- Listen to her complain every single day until death

- Shower her with an inordinate amount of attention

- Put up with her myriad of accents, including but not limited to her baby voice and Marvin the Martian impression

- Accept endless apologies after completely unfair arguments that she instantly regrets

- Be her housemate for at least four years

- Endure her endless chastisement for my tendencies toward alcohol consumption, glitter, and general debauchery

- Endure at least one full year's worth of rambling about celebrity crushes

- Literally save her life in her darkest moments

- Lose precious sleep to keep her company

- Feign interest in the intricacies of both football and ice hockey

- See DMB enough times live that concert expenses could probably have paid for a nice, used car

- Pick her up on the side of the road when she deserved nothing more than the long walk home

- Ensure her that she did not fail that test and withhold the "I told you so" when grades are received

- Immediately delete her browser history and update her blog in the event of her death

- Assure her that she is not, in fact, afflicted by any number of illnesses, diseases, cancers, etc.

- Attend every choir concert that involves her/listen to her sing and play the piano

- Get dinner with her way too many times a week

- Compliment her endlessly when she gets upset

- Comment on each blog post that she publishes

I agree to the following conditions, however hazardous to my own health and sanity.

(Sign name here)

For some crazy reason, she signed it.

This, of course, didn't happen, but do you want to know the beautiful thing about my best friend, Jenn? She would have signed it, anyway.

I love you so much, Jenn. You have made me a better person for knowing you. Happy 23rd birthday and here's to another 50 birthdays together!

Man Meat Monday #8

It should be no big surprise to you that I've obsessed over celebrities my entire life.

It all started with Chris O'Donnell as Robin in the Batman movies. Then, I sold my soul to Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys. Later, I went through an experimental punk rock stage where I thought I was going to marry Tom DeLonge from Blink 182...then Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day. Yikes.

However, despite the childhood crushes that I now deem to be questionable at best, there is still one that I FIRMLY stand by...and that crush is...

Josh Hartnett

Claim to Fame: Actor (Pearl Harbor, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Black Hawk Down)

Birthday: July 21, 1978

Oh my sweet God. The instant I saw him in The Faculty, I was done. He played the handsome, rebellious bad boy and I was hooked. His role in Pearl Harbor (which I saw four times in theaters) had the 13-year-old me both crying and fantasizing about sweet love-making in parachute-filled airplane hangers. I was beyond obsessed...for years.

Now, when I look back at this phase, I approve of my choice. Born and raised in Minnesota, Josh Hartnett almost seems to be the antithesis of Hollywood superstar. He is humble, articulate, and soft-spoken, yet immensely talented (and underrated) as an actor. He recently finished a stint in the London stage production of Rain Man and often chooses passion projects, as opposed to meaningless summer blockbusters.

Other absurdly attractive details? He's 6'3", has an incredibly deep voice, and have you seen the birthmark on his neck?

Random Tidbit: He went out with Scarlett Johansson for a couple years. This, of course, decreases my chances of being with him by roughly 100%.

Only downfall?: He smokes. Hence the beautiful voice?

I looked everywhere for the infamous or(chid)gasm clip from 40 Days and 40 Nights, where he gives the girl an orgasm using only a flower. Cannot find it anywhere...besides the dark recesses of my now-wandering mind.

If I had to choose my favorite Josh Hartnett movie, it would probably be O, in which he played the deliciously evil and deeply-troubled Iago. If you haven't seen it, rent it. Here is an interview about the role of Iago. You don't have to watch it all. I just want you to see how beautiful he is and hear his gorgeous voice.

So, readers: It's your turn. Would you show Josh Hartnett your O face?

I ate way too much guacamole tonight.

Tonight was my one of my favorite holidays: Oscar night.

Seriously, ever since middle school, it has been my dream to write an Oscar-winning screenplay. Have I started it? No. I do, however, have my speech planned already. Just like every other award show, my mom and I made our predictions. For the first time, my mom tied with me. Big day for her. ;)

Tonight also marked another first for me. For the first time ever, I flipped between two channels during the pre-show Red Carpet coverage. Sounds like sacrilege, I know...but I'm glad I did it because I'm pretty sure Jonathan Toews got me pregnant on this shot.



The Blackhawks ended up winning in a shootout. Tazer had two goals and the only shootout goal. Need more proof of his perfection?

BUT, back to the Oscars...

I've decided to give out my own awards instead of my usual +/- reviews.

Most Beautiful Couple: Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz. Holy latin beauty.


Best Presenter: James Franco seemed as high as a kite and more bored than when he was stuck for 127 hours in the depths of a canyon. Anne Hathaway did a refreshingly great job, but I'm going with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. They're gorgeous, hilarious, have amazing chemistry, and I cannot wait for Sherlock 2. Can they please host next year?

Most Justice Served: Colin Firth wins best actor. All is right in the world. He can say whatever he wants and it sounds smart, hilarious, and perfect. Forever my Mr. Darcy. I'm also very glad that Natalie Portman won.

Best Musical Moment: I'm not counting the adorable PS22 choir. They made me cry during their rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." My other favorite moment was the audible orgasm that was the duet between Florence Welch and AR Rahman. I've loved Rahman since Slumdog Millionaire, but they were amazing together.

Most Amazingly Awkward interview: You will thank me for this. Jesse Eisenberg is so uncomfortable and adorable that I can't handle it. Watch from 3:15 to 4:45.

Superbowl? Sign up this morning? No TV? Watching you in person? Shake some of their hands? Tell your mom I said hi? Please notice how long he awkwardly sticks around, looking at the camera. I want to hug him.

Most Blissful Moment: Trent Reznor wins for The Social Network score. Listen to this man's music. I thought the music in 300 was delicious.

Biggest Disappointment: Melissa Leo. I just don't like her. Yes, she transformed herself for The Fighter, but I just don't get it. I am part of the 1% of viewers who didn't like the movie. Her look of utter shock at winning, coupled with the huge F-bomb she dropped on the classiest night in Hollywood, did not give her any points in my book. Who else would steal Kirk Douglas's cane?

Best Dress: I'm going with Mila Kunis on this one.


Hardest LOL moment: The autotune video that featured Harry Potter, Toy Story 3, and Twilight. I loved this...and it wasn't just because it showed a shirtless Jacob Black.

...and there you have it. Get ready for Man Meat Monday. It's a throwback!

NOM NOM NOM.

The injury situation in Pittsburgh is getting a bit ridiculous.

Sid has been concussing since early January. Geno is out for the season with a torn MCL and ACL. Kunitz is out, Asham is out, Letestu is out, Comrie is out, Martin is out. Dustin Jeffrey, a Wilkes-Barre/Scranton call-up, returned yesterday. To make matters worse, one of our best defenseman, Brooks Orpik, broke a finger during Wednesday's game and is out for 4-6 weeks. Great.

Seriously, the locker room must look like this:

Do you think they're hiring a nurse with absolutely no professional training? ...or someone to remove their jocks for them?

No? Okay.

Lies I was told as a child.

Tonight, I realized how many lies I was told as a child.

I won't even start with Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. Seriously, from birth until my high school graduation, I was fed a series of deliberate lies.

Here are some of my favorites:

"No, Brittany. It's okay. This is No More Tears shampoo." - I'm calling bullshit. Cried every time.

"You will find practical uses for calculus in your everyday life." - Umm...I can't even find practical uses for multiplying and dividing fractions. I don't really care about the rate at which the milkshake travels through the straw. I just want it in my mouth. Now.

"Christopher Columbus was a cool guy." - Although not a direct quote, you get the gist. Every elementary school in the country celebrates Columbus day with glorious stories, activities, and songs of his heroism. Then, suddenly, in high school, you learn the truth. I guess this lie is somewhat justified. Can you imagine the screams of horror from the 2nd graders who just learned about smallpox-infested blankets, slavery, and crimes against humanity?

"Hockey is boring." - Riiight. Thanks, Dad.

"No, seriously. I really like you." *frantically stuffs hands up my shirt* - Why does every insecure freshman girl fall for this?

"Everything happens for a reason." - Not true. I don't buy it. Horrible things happen to amazing people and life isn't always fair. I do, however, believe you can learn something from everything. You can always find a silver lining, but that doesn't mean it happened for a reason.

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." - The most famous lie told since my birth.

"You will remember these spelling words forever because these are your 'forever' words." - Clearly these aren't 'forever words.' I see more people my age misspelling 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're' than 5th graders.

"Who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?" - This question implies that very few can beat the Cincinnati Bengals. It is meant to sound like, "How DARE anyone challenge the Bengals?" Of course, after a few years of fanhood, the answer becomes painfully clear: just about anyone, including some highly-ranked collegiate programs.

"Someday my prince will come..." - Snow White sings this song and one poisonous apple and 20 minutes of screen time later, there he is. The prince just shows up without her doing anything. In fact, all she does is sleep. Uhh...hello? I'm the best sleeper I know and Vince Vaughn is yet to show up and kiss me out of my slumber. Thanks a lot, Disney. You should be charged with aiding and abetting in the formulation of my unrealistic expectations for guys.

"Brittany, you need to do your laundry." - HA! College proved one thing to me: Your laundry can wait two more weeks after the initial realization that you need to do your laundry.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea." - I suppose this is true, but you happened to leave out that 50% of the fish are girls, some are gay, some are shallow, some are stupid, some are rude, some are boring, some are immature, and quite frankly, most aren't right for you. So, good luck.

Don't worry. I'm not harboring any resentment.

Interactive blogosphere! Vote away!

It's no secret that I'm 100% nocturnal. Aside from missing the sun completely, the biggest downfall of my sleeping schedule is being alone for long periods of time. As a result, I find the most ridiculous ways to spend my free time.

Tonight, I've decided to choose the top 10 most attractive players in the NHL. After narrowing down the list, I've finalized my choices. Here's where YOU come in. Here are my top 10, out of order and without names. To be as objective as possible, I chose each player's headshot from this season. These are NOT the best pictures of them. I promise.

Which number do YOU think is the best looking?

The winner may become future man meat. Don't worry. Next week's candidate isn't a hockey player. ;)

EDIT: For those of you wondering...

1. Brooks Laich - Washington Capitals

2. Eric Staal - Caroline Hurricanes

3. Max Talbot - Pittsburgh Penguins

4. Carey Price - Montreal Canadiens

5. Evgeni Malkin - Pittsburgh Penguins

6. Cam Ward - Carolina Hurricanes

7. Sidney Crosby - Pittsburgh Penguins

8. Rick Nash - Columbus Blue Jackets

9. Jonathan Toews - Chicago Blackhawks

10. Jordan Staal - Pittsburgh Penguins

Blame it on the...pink

After getting a bit soap-boxy last night, it's time for this week's glee-cap.

Overall, this episode was hilarious to me. Rachel's house party looked oddly like every single weeknight of my last semester of college...and I don't drink. Except replace the game of quarters with beer pong and Mario Kart. Replace spin-the-bottle with truth or dare...and there you have it. College.

+ I laugh every single time that Sue calls Emma something that isn't "Emma."

+ Artie. He is so ghetto fabulous that I can barely stand it.

- Whatever Schue and Bieste sang at the honky tonk bar. Eww. I do, however, find their friendship adorable.

+ Rachel Berry's house party trainwreck extravaganza. This was Glee at its finest. So hilarious. I am shocked that my best friend hasn't shouted "IT TASTES LIKE PINK!" before this episode.

- Although I liked "Don't You Want Me," I envisioned their rendition to be a little more...sloppy. I'm a veteran of college karaoke nights. I know what drunk people sound like mid-song.

+ Key-dollar sign-HA. Thank you, Figgins. By the way, Brittany makes the perfect Ke$ha.

- I wanted to cry when Santana asked Schue what he has to live for if he stops drinking. Really?

+/- Rachel and Blaine. That kiss had a little heat in it. They would make a beautiful and talented couple...but I can't get over Finnchel or Blurt. So, absolutely not. At least Blaine knows he's 100% gay now!

- Rachel's incredibly creepy dress at her party. Whoa...and I'm always complimenting the costume designers...

+ Finn was the only sober one. I told you he's perfect.

+ The drunk girl archetypes are so true. I've witnessed all of them many a time. I wonder which one I'd be. Care to venture any guesses?

- Yet again, an unrealistic and abrupt ending. Figgins thought it was fake? The kids aren't punished for drinking Bloody Marys and sizzurp at school? Yeah right.

+ Holy drunk dial, Will Schuster. I loved the Grease reference with the over-the-intercom message, the little xylophone Becky played, and the "roll in the hay" comment. Embarrassed much, Will? I wonder how Emma felt about that. It wasn't exactly a secret who he was talking about. I don't know many people who eat lunch with gloves on.

It's about time that Ryan Murphy tackled the topic of teenage drinking. They talk about pre-marital sex, homophobia, pregnancy, insecurity, bullying, etc., but they somehow managed to avoid the topic of drinking until now. It's a reality of high school.

I think they handled it realistically, too. Most high schoolers steal their alcohol from their parents' liquor cabinet, drink a bit too much, throw up, and claim they'll never drink again. Of course, they don't mean it. I was glad to see that the show accepted the fact that high schoolers are going to drink no matter what. They also mentioned the dangers of drunk driving multiple times. Still, I think they could have taken it a bit more seriously. They really didn't do too much discouraging of underage drinking and even made it seem somewhat permissible to drink at school. At the very least, Rachel could have gotten in trouble for trashing her dads' Oscar room.

I suppose if Sue's allowed to push students around and Schue isn't punished for everyone hearing his sexually provocative voicemail, the kids should be able to sip on some gin and juice between periods. Ha!

Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

Waking up in a new way.

Tonight, I had one of those amazing, eye-opening moments. One of those moments where you feel beyond guilty because you realize, yet again, that you take so many things for granted.

I complained about the Penguins losing to the Capitals. I complained about being single. I complained about not having a job. I complained about missing my brother. I complained about dirty laundry. Then, I started my nightly computer routine: Check Facebook, e-mails, nhl.com, twitter, CNN.

As I read about Libya and Bahrain, my heart broke. I watched absolutely horrifying videos broadcast by the BBC and Al Jazeera. These videos showed peaceful protesters in the streets of Tripoli (Libya's capital) being shot indiscriminately by mercenaries, hired by the country's oppressive dictator of 40+ years, Muammar Gadhafi. They showed civilians being shot by Gadhafi's snipers, family members screaming and crying, doctors and nurses being beaten. The government is using anti-aircraft weapons and high caliber rounds against civilian protesters. These are weapons designed to tear through walls and take out tanks...and they are being used on peaceful protesters.

I cannot comprehend this. This is the 21st century, right? The incredible movement for democracy in the middle East has inspired and intrigued me from the start. I followed the events in Egypt, Tunisia, and Yemen closely. Of course, there were horrible injuries and deaths in those movements, too. I'm not trying to downplay the courageous actions taken by Egyptians and Tunisians. Still, Libya is something different.

The government, unlike Hosni Mubarak in Egypt, is refusing to step down. It is threatening its citizens with civil war, promising bloodshed, hiring mercenaries, carrying out a genocide, and not even pretending to listen to the demands of the people. It remains defiant, shut down the country's internet and phone services, and has used its military forces indiscriminately against men, women, and children. Already, hundreds have died.

We don't have to worry about genocide. We don't fear our government or our military. We don't have to fight for democracy and we often take for granted those that did it for us.

This puts everything in perspective for me. We live in a country where democracy, peace, freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech are not only expected, but taken for granted. We bitch and moan over party differences. We complain about taxes, traffic, and security checks at the airport. MSN's homepage is more concerned with Justin Bieber's haircut. We focus on celebrities, sports, movies, and music. I'm more than guilty myself.

What's even more troubling to me is that most Americans aren't even aware of what is going on in the middle East. We, of all people, should be most enthusiastic about the contagious nature of the democratic movement. We are the shining stars of democracy, the perfect picture of the democratic way of life. In fact, we like democracy so much that we even invaded a country to impose it on them...against the will of its people. We should stand adamently behind the people of Libya - proud, informed, and supportive. We should show our disgust with authoritarian regimes and refuse to deal with or tolerate oppressive dictators.

Unfortunately, many that are informed on the situation in the middle East have more selfish concerns. Many fear that the revolutions will put anti-American Islamic groups in power, damaging our strongholds in the area. Selfishly, they worry more about rising gas prices than the innocent lives being lost.

Tonight, as I closed my eyes due to the horrific violence on my computer screen, my eyes were also opened in a new way. It reaffirms to me that I have a relatively easy life. I won the lottery of birth and have very little to actually complain about. So, I refuse to take what I have for granted. I am thankful for our democracy, our freedom of speech and assembly. Call me an idealist, a bleeding heart, but I strongly believe in the voice of the people, protesting for something long overdue.

The people of the middle East are speaking and they are right.

If all I can do is raise awareness in my tiny corner of the universe, then so be it...but I will do that until the violence stops. I am grateful every single day to live in a country where a 23-year-old girl can write openly in her blog about celebrity crushes or the state of the world.

Tonight, I wish that for everyone standing courageously in the face of injustice.

Man Meat Monday #7

So, after last week's Man Meat Monday, I learned three things:

1. Gerard Butler can't be touched by any other male. He just might be perfect in the eyes of every girl.

2. I should probably go into the Valentine-making business.

3. Some of my lovely readers (Morgan) need some convincing that Jonathan Toews is perfect.

So, without any further ado, this week's sexy slab of Man Meat is...

Jonathan Toews (pronounced Tay-ves)

Claim to Fame: Center for and captain of the Chicago Blackhawks

Birthday: April 29, 1988

With long-term injuries to both Sid and Geno, I was forced to look elsewhere in the NHL for hockey-playing fodder for my fantasies. That burden fell squarely on the shoulders of none other than Jonathan Toews (Tazer). Luckily, he handles responsibility well. His hockey credentials are more than impressive: World Junior Championship gold medalist, 2010 Olympic gold medalist (he was also named best forward), Conn Smythe Trophy (playoff MVP), and the second-youngest captain to ever hoist the Stanley Cup (also in 2010). He has been known to get very angry during games and give heated interviews following a loss. He settles for nothing less than perfection...and mama likes a driven guy.

He is a team leader, incredibly focused, intelligent, and always very gracious with fans. He has an incredibly attractive, deep voice and plays the guitar. Since we're admittedly a bit shallow here at MMM, he's 6'2", 220 lbs., and deliciously handsome. Oh yeah - he also has a $1.4 million condo in downtown Chicago. Last time I spent the night there, I took a picture to help with your visual.



No, but seriously...that is the actual view from his place. *sigh*

Random tidbit: He has a lake named after him in his home province of Manitoba.

Only downfall?: ...he isn't a Penguin? ...he has fallen into the bad habit of wearing a shirt?

His intense will to succeed has earned him another nickname in the locker room, "Captain Serious." He has the driest sense of humor ever and here's the incredibly awkward and hilarious proof:



So, readers: It's your turn. Can Tazer crash your net?




...wait, didn't I have clothes on when I started this post?