Lies I was told as a child.

Tonight, I realized how many lies I was told as a child.

I won't even start with Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. Seriously, from birth until my high school graduation, I was fed a series of deliberate lies.

Here are some of my favorites:

"No, Brittany. It's okay. This is No More Tears shampoo." - I'm calling bullshit. Cried every time.

"You will find practical uses for calculus in your everyday life." - Umm...I can't even find practical uses for multiplying and dividing fractions. I don't really care about the rate at which the milkshake travels through the straw. I just want it in my mouth. Now.

"Christopher Columbus was a cool guy." - Although not a direct quote, you get the gist. Every elementary school in the country celebrates Columbus day with glorious stories, activities, and songs of his heroism. Then, suddenly, in high school, you learn the truth. I guess this lie is somewhat justified. Can you imagine the screams of horror from the 2nd graders who just learned about smallpox-infested blankets, slavery, and crimes against humanity?

"Hockey is boring." - Riiight. Thanks, Dad.

"No, seriously. I really like you." *frantically stuffs hands up my shirt* - Why does every insecure freshman girl fall for this?

"Everything happens for a reason." - Not true. I don't buy it. Horrible things happen to amazing people and life isn't always fair. I do, however, believe you can learn something from everything. You can always find a silver lining, but that doesn't mean it happened for a reason.

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." - The most famous lie told since my birth.

"You will remember these spelling words forever because these are your 'forever' words." - Clearly these aren't 'forever words.' I see more people my age misspelling 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're' than 5th graders.

"Who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?" - This question implies that very few can beat the Cincinnati Bengals. It is meant to sound like, "How DARE anyone challenge the Bengals?" Of course, after a few years of fanhood, the answer becomes painfully clear: just about anyone, including some highly-ranked collegiate programs.

"Someday my prince will come..." - Snow White sings this song and one poisonous apple and 20 minutes of screen time later, there he is. The prince just shows up without her doing anything. In fact, all she does is sleep. Uhh...hello? I'm the best sleeper I know and Vince Vaughn is yet to show up and kiss me out of my slumber. Thanks a lot, Disney. You should be charged with aiding and abetting in the formulation of my unrealistic expectations for guys.

"Brittany, you need to do your laundry." - HA! College proved one thing to me: Your laundry can wait two more weeks after the initial realization that you need to do your laundry.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea." - I suppose this is true, but you happened to leave out that 50% of the fish are girls, some are gay, some are shallow, some are stupid, some are rude, some are boring, some are immature, and quite frankly, most aren't right for you. So, good luck.

Don't worry. I'm not harboring any resentment.