Tales from a Chinese buffet...

There is a relatively new Chinese buffet about 20 minutes from my house. In the last year, I've gone three times to said restaurant and the food is great. However, every single time I go, something remarkably hilarious happens. Let me explain:

Experience #1: While enjoying my chicken with broccoli, I began to listen to the background music. You know - the horrible, wordless music always played at Chinese restaurants that sounds like an old-school monophonic ringtone? Suddenly, I noticed that the song playing was actually "Greensleeves/What Child is This?" It was July. The song continued on repeat throughout the duration of my meal.

Experience #2: Before seeing Daniel Tosh's stand-up routine in Cincinnati, Jenn and I went for dinner at the restaurant. After eating a stuffed mushroom, I decided I needed a drink of my Dr. Pepper. I hadn't realized, however, that my drink was currently being re-filled and unknowingly, I grabbed Jenn's drink for a sip. Before my mouth hit the straw, I heard someone scream "NOOOO!" from across the room. Alarmed, I glanced over and saw our waitress, a lovely middle-aged Chinese woman, sprinting over to me with my drink. "That not yours! This yours!" she scolded me. Since I am actually 8 years old, I started cracking up...because only I would get yelled at in broken English by a waitress.

...and this one really takes the cake...

Experience #3: Every Chinese buffet's layout is basically the same. Multiple rows of traditional Chinese food, a row of fruit, a row of horribly-made American food (pizza, fries, etc.), and a soft serve ice cream machine. I, being the 8-year-old I truly am, always get an ice cream cone before leaving. Tonight was no exception. After making myself the perfect vanilla ice cream cone, I wandered over to the table of toppings. What I saw both baffled me and nearly made me pee my pants. Among the bowls of sprinkles, M&M's, and pieces of crumbled Oreo sat a little bowl filled with nothing other than cheeseballs.


After staring in shock for 10-20 seconds, this was my exact reaction while trying to get Jenn's attention:

I'm still confused. Do they think cheeseballs should go on ice cream? Did they want to put all the junky finger foods together? Do they really think I will use the tongs provided to individually pick up the cheeseballs? Are there any other Chinese buffets on the planet that offer customers cheeseballs?

I tried to take a picture of the toppings table with my cell phone before realizing that I had no way of posting the picture online. I will go back with a camera. Oh well. At least I have a legitimate reason to go back and eat four times my body weight in Chinese food now.