Hey Victoria! There is nothing secret about that.

As you probably know, the highly-anticipated, annual Victoria's Secret fashion show aired on Tuesday. Unlike in previous years, I decided to tune the show out this time...mostly due to my nearly debilitating self-confidence issues. Trust me - Alessandra Ambrosio is not good for my self-esteem.

At any rate, I've decided that the Victoria's Secret fashion show leaves every single woman in America feeling one (or a combination) of three different ways: excited, jealous, or fat. Let me explain.

- Excited. 1. Some women absolutely love the show. They can't wait to see the lingerie, the glitter, the wings, the feminine sassiness, the shoes, the pizazz, and their favorite Angels. The girliness in everyone (myself included) loves this. 2. They can't wait to see the performer(s). With last year's Fergie and this year's Katy Perry, I'm sure this draws some female excitement, too. 3. Lesbians may be excited for other reasons.

- Jealous. 1. Some women may be jealous of the outfits. This thought, of course, never crosses my mind for a multitude of reasons...but I'm sure some girls must yearn for their clothes. 2. Some women may be jealous that their boyfriend, spouse, or male friend is sitting next to them with their jaw on the floor, making vulgar comments or endless sexual innuendos. (Of course, I allow this with no hint of jealousy...or else I would look like an utter hypocrite during Monday Night Football every week) 3. MOST women, however, are jealous of their incomprehensible bodies...which brings me to my next point.

- Fat. Although I have read that only around 100 women in the world look as fit as these models, every single girl I know feels like a beached whale when watching this show. This, however, can manifest itself in one of two different ways. 1. It may give a girl the motivation necessary to work harder at the gym, eat healthier, and aspire to look like Adriana Lima. 2. Conversely, it may cause another girl to sob quietly to herself in the fetal position, while wearing over-sized sweatpants and shoveling Oreo after Oreo down her throat. I'll let you guess which group I most closely identify with.

Thusly, I decided to ignore the fashion show this year.

Instead, I chose to exist in a fantasy land where Sidney Crosby has a fetish for chubby librarian-types...that have a penchant for trivia contests and blogging.

...and speaking of Sid, he had his 7th career hat trick tonight in a win over the Atlanta Thrashers. It was his first natural hat trick and I get to see him on Saturday in Columbus. Here is what the NHL.com stats page currently looks like:

Remember when everyone thought he had achieved everything possible when he became the youngest captain to ever win the Stanley Cup, won the Hart Memorial Trophy (NHL MVP), the Lester B. Pearson Award (peer-voted best player), the Art Ross Trophy (leading scorer), tied for the Rocket Richard Trophy (goals leader), and won a gold medal for his country by scoring the game-winning goal in overtime? Well, he's currently on track to have the best season yet of his remarkable career.

...and I, of course, am currently on track to find him.