Help?

Over the years, there is nothing I have struggled with more than my faith.

I suppose all of this started very early. I've always been a skeptical person. At a very young age, I remember doubting the existence of Santa Clause. It seemed highly implausible to me that one man and his tiny slave laborers could make highly-specialized Christmas gifts for every child on Earth during the course of one year, much less that he could hand-deliver them within one evening. So, one Christmas, I wisely wrote a Christmas list for Santa that went something like this:

Dear Santa,

I would like one of your flying reindeer for Christmas this year. I will let you have it back on Christmas Eve when you need it. If you don't give me one, I won't believe in you anymore.

Love,
Brittany

PS - I've been good this year.

Sure enough, on Christmas morning, I was sorely disappointed. Under the tree, I found a stuffed animal of Rudolph who played Christmas songs when you squeezed his hoof. From that point on, I had a strong feeling that Santa didn't exist. This, of course, was later confirmed by my best friend during recess in the 5th grade.

I'm not trying to obnoxiously compare the existence of God with Santa Clause. In fact, I often get frustrated with people who belittle others' religion by drawing that comparison. It's quite different. But, I have found one thing to be true: You can't believe in something you don't.

I suppose my family history only makes issues more complex. At a very young age, my dad showed me a book called The History of Evolution. It included a large pull-out that depicted a monkey turning into a man. While only in elementary school, I was taught the fundamentals of Darwinism, natural selection, and evolution. My mom, on the other hand, met with a Jehovah's Witness once a week for a bit of my childhood. An extended family member sent my parents a letter explaining that we would go to hell if we weren't saved. Still, we never went to church.

For awhile, I went to a weekly kids' Bible study with my best friend from elementary school. This event, however, became more about memorizing Bible verses for rewards than actually taking any of the message to heart.

In high school, most of my closest friends were involved in Younglife, a non-denominational Christian ministry that spreads the message of the Gospel to kids through camps and club meetings. I started to attend Club every week - partially to hear about the Bible, but mostly to spend time with friends and the guy I liked. As time went on, I got more and more frustrated with Club. It got to the point where I left in tears every week because I couldn't relate. Despite being surrounded by all of my friends, I felt completely and utterly alone.

College only complicated things further. Many of my friends went through 'New Leader Training' to become Younglife leaders. Freshman year, my best friend found God and her life was changed. I, on the other hand, felt more alone than ever. I was referred to as a 'pagan' and told that people were 'praying for me.' I found myself being pushed further away. No one talked to me about my faith, for fear of offending me (or perhaps being offended). As my friends know, I'm a natural pessimist/realist and, in an effort to truly believe something, I often first doubt it, question it, or strive to disprove it. It's one of my many flaws. This extends to wondering if a guy likes me, looking at the prospects of victory for my favorite sports teams, and unfortunately, to the existence of God.

Even to this day, I don't feel satisfied. I have always felt unsettled and had the overwhelming sense that something is missing in my life, like something is wrong. I have spent so much time and so many tears searching for the answer. Years ago, I was told that those who follow Christ will have life to the full. That has resonated with me because that is the kind of life I want to lead. I want the void in my life to be filled by something and I've often thought that the answer must be God.

So, I set out on a quest to believe. Only now do I realize how absurd that is. I genuinely want to believe in God. Most of my closest friends are Christians and they are beautiful people (particularly Jenn). They are generous, kind, loving, and understanding. Don't get me wrong - I see hypocritical, judgmental Christians, too. But, the ones I interact with most are people that emanate goodness and love. They do community service, they sacrifice their time, they see the good in people, and they want to change the world for the better. They embrace life and they don't fear death. They, too, are flawed, but they accept themselves and they are grateful for everything dealt to them.

I am terrified of death. I worry that death will be an eternity of nothing. I find no solace in the afterlife because I don't believe it exists. When someone I love passes, I mourn because they are gone. I don't believe they are in a better place. I believe they are gone. Forever...and I will be, too. I want to believe in God. I want to believe that there is someone who loves me unconditionally and gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. I want to believe that death brings true life, not oblivion. I want to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I know it's not a cure-all. I know that Christians have problems, too. They make mistakes and sin. Everyone does. I wish I felt a sense of security...a reassurance that there is something better, that our short time on Earth isn't the end, that we were meant for something more.

I just don't.

I have watched religious documentaries by Bill Maher and Ben Stein. I have read books by Lee Strobel and Richard Dawkins. I have read the entire Old Testament and plan to read the rest. I have taken philosophy classes and debated with others. I have immersed myself in the opinions of Christians and atheists alike...and I still feel lost.

I don't believe in God, but I don't not believe in Him. What others call grace, I call love. The closest thing to God for me (besides Dave Matthews - HA!) is love. I believe that people can be moral without religion. I believe that doing the right thing and loving others isn't exclusive to believers. I believe that someone without faith is capable of leading a respectable, moral, and giving life...just because they believe that others are entitled to be treated in a fair and compassionate way. Everyone is hurting, broken, and in need. I know that I certainly am. Therefore, I believe everyone is deserving of love and forgiveness. I try to live my life that way.

I suppose I'm unhappily agnostic. Many don't know what that means and confuse it with atheism. It's not the same. I'm filled with doubt, not disbelief. I'm uncertain on the afterlife or the existence of a God. In fact, atheism bothers me, too. I find the certainty of disbelief to be just as troubling as the certainty of belief. Atheists come across as arrogant, claiming they know there is no God. How can anyone KNOW about God or the afterlife (one way or the other)? I don't claim to know anything...and I don't like admitting that to myself.

I must be an agnostic atheist - someone who does not have belief in the existence of God, but does not claim to know that God doesn't exist. This is contrasted with an agnostic theist - someone who believes that God exists, but does not claim to know that fact.

I've often struggled with this: Why would a just God let murderers and hypocritical and judgmental Christians into Heaven, but not me? Sure, I sin every day. I could always be a better person, but I try to live a respectable life. I try to do right by others and right by myself. If there is an afterlife, it pains me that I won't go to Heaven. Why? Because the good I do isn't in an effort to glorify God, but rather because I feel it is the right thing to do. I've struggled with what happens to children who die before they are able to accept God. I struggle with the differences in beliefs - why are there different religions, different sects, different standards, different interpretations of the same Bible? I have so many questions of logic and there are no answers to be found.

I also don't want to believe in a God that punishes those who question His existence. I don't want to believe in a God that damns the unsure to hell. I don't want to follow a religion that causes severe homophobia and discrimination against gays. I worry that one day, I will reach the gates of Heaven and God will ask me, "Why didn't you accept me into your life as your savior?" Still, my response wouldn't be, "I'm so sorry. I was horribly mistaken." It would be, "Why did You go to such great lengths to hide Yourself from me?"

It all comes down to faith...and that is something I don't have. I'm a very logical person. I like to have everything explained to me. I'm a firm believer in science - evidence and proof. It seems to me that science and faith can co-exist - that someone could believe both simultaneously. I simply can't make the leap of faith.

So, I'm left...struggling and scared. I continue to read and do research. I haven't looked into many other religions, but I'm starting to read on Buddhism. I wait for that life-changing, miracle moment that will show me God. I'm constantly pushed farther away by fundamentalists and extremists - those who live as though they are better than everyone else because they were 'chosen' by God. Those who spread a message of hate, judgment, insensitivity, and intolerance when they should be spreading love, understanding, and acceptance.

Despite my efforts to change, I remain tired, faithless, and afraid...and I'm not sure I can do anything about it. Like I said, I can't believe in something I don't.