In previous years, I have taken pictures of all the gifts I received and posted them on my blog. I have detailed the contents of my stocking and our Johnson family fondue Christmas Eve tradition. Since I didn't grow up in a religious family and we don't live near any of our relatives, the defining moment of most of my childhood Christmases was always the best present I received.
This year was different.
This was the first year that we've celebrated the holiday season without my brother, who is currently halfway through his deployment. It felt strange and empty. All of it has - Thanksgiving, all three of our birthdays, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day...all without LP.
In the last week, so many people have asked if LP was coming home for Christmas. In most cases, when I tell them no, they would say something about him potentially surprising us with a holiday visit. Outwardly, I would laugh and respond, "I wish." Inwardly, however, I was annoyed. I wanted to ask them if they know how a deployment works. I wanted to tell them we aren't standing on the 50-yard line during halftime of a football game. I wanted to remind them that he isn't in California anymore. I wanted to tell them that half the time, we have no idea where he is and often go weeks without hearing from him at all. (In hindsight, my petty, selfish anger isn't easy to admit.)
Although my family has mostly held it together throughout his deployment, we feel his absence every single day. In the days leading up to Christmas, it intensified and we really started feeling bad for ourselves. Then, something happened.
On Christmas Eve, one of my closest friends (one of the girls who attended the gift exchange the night before) lost her father to cancer. On Christmas Eve of all days. I was heartbroken...for her, for her family. I can't imagine ever dealing with the pain of losing a parent, let alone on the night before Christmas.
So, I cried for her and prayed for her...and through the tears, I realized that we, this temporary family of four, are actually the lucky ones.
To those who celebrated the holidays without a loved one (for whatever reason), I hope you found peace and comfort in those around you.
*GIANT SIGH*
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