My problem with MTV.

Recently, I realized that I have a problem with almost every program that has ever been aired on MTV.

I’m not just referring to the channel’s completely deceiving name (MUSIC television). In full disclosure, however, I am bothered by the fact that actual music videos are only shown for a couple hours each day and said music videos are played at a time when only freaks and vampires are awake – myself included, of course.

That being said, I have a genuine issue with nearly every show in the history of MTV (or at least those I’ve witnessed myself). Here are some examples:

Beavis and Butthead. I have no problem with cartoons. In fact, Family Guy is one of my all-time favorite shows. I do, however, require that it has some semblance of intelligence behind it. Beavis and Butthead doesn’t – at all. Also, I’m probably still offended that, throughout my childhood, my sister (whose nickname was Z-Bo) and I were often referred to as Z-Bis and Britthead.

Singled Out. As a child, I often watched this show with my dad. At the time, I thought my dad was interested in the workings of the human mind and how psychology influenced dating and attraction. In hindsight, I realize it probably had more to do with Jenny McCarthy.

The Real World. Every single 20-something has probably flirted with the idea of submitting an audition tape for The Real World. It seems like an incredible opportunity to meet people and live for free in an impressive house in a bustling metropolis. I’ve always been bothered, however, by the program’s lack of overweight cast members. You usually have the black one, the over-drinker, the angry one, the Southern belle, the gay one, etc. I always thought I could provide the show with something new, an intellectual, overweight girl who struggled with her body image, yet provides some insight and rational thought to the house. I quickly realized, however, that MTV is much more intrigued by beautiful people, getting belligerently drunk, starting irrational fights, and hooking up with complete strangers and other housemates – all things I wouldn’t do. So, count me out. Also, think about the future career implications for previous cast members. No one is ever going to hire these kids after seeing them throw up off the side of a balcony, punch someone in the face, or flash strangers in the street. After one year of touring the country and being paid to attend nightclubs to promote attendance, they will be likely be unemployed and laughed at in the grocery store, until they are hired by MTV to take part in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Total Request Live. I won’t lie to you – I was obsessed with this show. During the Carson Daly era, I would rush home from school to watch the show, vote incessantly for the Backstreet Boys, feel like a rebel for knowing all the words to the Eminem songs, and cuss out N’Sync under my breath for being #1 on the countdown and offering two things the BSB couldn’t provide – an overweight member and a member with dreadlocks (I now realize they also offered a gay member). However, when Carson left the show, the music videos were shown for shorter and shorter amounts of time until they were barely shown at all. This, of course, baffled me because it completely went against the original premise of the show. Voters were requesting to see music videos, not hear Quddus and Vanessa Minnillo drone on and on about music news.

Pimp My Ride. If I could choose anyone to remake my car, I would not even consider Xzibit.

Jackass. I absolutely loved this show at the height of its popularity. I think I was blinded by my obsession with Johnny Knoxville (really, an obsession – I had a t-shirt, a pillowcase, the DVDs, etc.). Now, however, I am annoyed by the show’s impact on every single male that has watched a full episode. Really, it doesn’t matter how old they are. After watching an episode of Jackass, every single guy I know wants to do something daring and often attempts an absurd stunt with his friends, even if said stunt isn’t nearly as entertaining as an obese man chasing a midget or getting a tattoo while riding a go-cart. True story: I once saw my brother’s friend light a firecracker that was lodged between his buttcheeks.

My Super Sweet 16. I know I’m not the only one who wants to punch these kids.

16 and Pregnant. So, we go from immature 16 year-olds throwing temper tantrums about party favors and celebrity guest performers to immature 16 year-olds who are actually supposed to raise another human being. This premise is absolutely terrifying.

Cribs. At first glance, Cribs was MTV’s attempt to completely depress viewers by allowing celebrities to showcase their breathtaking houses and amazing cars to a sector of the public that was struggling to pay the rent each month and probably drove a 1996 Jeep Cherokee with a broken muffler and a dent in the side. However, after watching roughly 100 episodes, I realized that I should actually be feeling sorry for the celebrities, not the other way around. Their refrigerator is always empty, the house completely devoid of people, tiki torches inexplicably lit for a pool party with no guests. How lonely. I think I’ll take my comfortable, cheap-motel-like house over an enormous mansion with absolutely no one inside.

…which brings me to…

The Jersey Shore. There are almost no words for this show. I’m ashamed to admit that I can name the cast members and have watched more than a few episodes. As hard as I try, I can’t really justify it. I might watch it in order to feel better about myself – an attempt to quench my insatiable ‘holier than thou’ thirst. Maybe I watch it because I’m genuinely entertained by their absurd comments and am interested in the events of their lives, but I’m leaning more toward the former explanation. At any rate, it blows my mind that the most popular show in the history of MTV has no plot whatsoever, unless you count eight sleazeballs who drink, degrade others, hook up with complete strangers, consider fist-pumping a valid dance move, claim to be Italian (yet embarrass actual Italians), tan, work out, and fight like children a legitimate storyline. I know I don’t. I sincerely hope that no one takes this show seriously or wants to emulate them in any way because quite frankly, I think the minds of the cast members of The Jersey Shore aren’t unlike the houses on Cribs – large empty spaces with absolutely no one inside.

So, in conclusion, it has become blatantly clear to me that MTV’s programming doesn’t have to be remotely good in order to succeed. In fact, it should probably be incredibly, mind-numbingly stupid.