Dance until the Prom Ends?

The whole notion of high school dances creeps me out.

Don't get me wrong - I had a great time at most of mine, particularly Prom junior year. I had a fun date, the limo ride was entertaining, and it was held in Paul Brown Stadium. So, I spent the whole time, dancing with friends, overlooking the beautiful Cincinnati skyline, and fantasizing that the Bengals would show up at any minute to steal me away.

Still, when I think about high school dances now (Proms and Homecomings), I realize how gross they are. They are essentially a powder keg of teenage angst and raging hormones, ready to explode (in more ways than one).

Here are the things you will see at every high school dance:

- 15-20 crying girls. It is inevitable. They cry because Johnny broke up with them at the dance. They cry because Samantha is wearing the same dress they are. They cry because Ryan is dancing with their mortal enemy. They cry because they weren't invited to Chelsea's house for pictures. They cry because they're teenage girls.

- Fake tans. For some reason, this is the one time of year where it is not only acceptable for teenagers to morph into Jersey Shore characters, it is encouraged. Fake tans, professionally-styled hair (often a Snooki-esque bump), and fake nails. Way to go, America.

- Incredibly uncomfortable teacher chaperones. They stand along the wall at pre-determined intervals, waving awkwardly at students and faking smiles. They sip water, desperately wishing that it was whiskey. They scold themselves for sacrificing one of their precious weekend nights. They pretend not to notice their star student grinding it out on Jason's crotch.

- Water bottles filled with vodka. Smuggled in by students who feel rebellious, cool, and...drunk. I know that alcohol isn't necessary for dancing (I walk it out and Chinese typewriter with the best of them - 100% sober), but it does make it more interesting to watch.

- 2-3 accidental boners. Let's be honest. For some 17- or 18-year old boys, "Tonight (I'm Loving You)" by Enrique Iglesias is the closest they will come to getting any actual loving on Prom night. Grind away, kids. Get it out of your system.

- An awkward DJ that you wouldn't allow around your children if they weren't at a dance. In his late 30s, uses as much hair gel as the high school boys, throws glow sticks out during "Sandstorm." Unfortunately, these guys ogle teenage girls so shamelessly that it gives me a run for my money when I lick proposition Jordan Staal through the television...and I often sit on the TV screen.

- An empty Axe bottle. High school boys abuse cologne. I'm not sure if they think the commercial will actually come true and girls will start eating them like a chocolate bar or if they are trying to distract girls from the acne on their forehead. Either way, it's over-kill.

- That smell. I know this isn't something you can see, but you know exactly what I'm talking about. Sweat. Cologne. Armpits. Maybe one kid threw up. Later, when these students are in college, they will find that one seedy bar with the same familiar scent. Immediately, they will think, "Fall Homecoming 2004" and they will promptly exit said bar.

See what I mean? I wouldn't have traded my high school dance experiences for anything. For the most part, I had a great time with my best friends, took plenty of humiliating pictures, and have some good stories. I can say, however, that I wouldn't want to re-live them.