Oh baby, baby...

I know I promised you Charleston posts, but today, I'm going to be very self-indulgent and give you a pregnancy update instead. Having a blog in the first place is a pretty narcissistic venture, so why not give the people what they want? ...and by the people, I mean me...to look back on someday as a keepsake.

I am quickly approaching 23 weeks pregnant(!). For those of you who don't know what that means (like me five months ago), I'm a little over halfway done cooking. My due date is July 13th and so far, so good. I feel like I can't complain because it has been relatively smooth physical sailing. A little nausea in the first trimester, but virtually no throwing up. I can't brush my teeth without gagging, I get winded walking up the stairs at work, and I feel like someone gave me a horse tranquilizer every morning, but that's about it.

Unfortunately, I am having some blood pressure issues, but it's being managed closely by an army of doctors and I'm hopeful we get the right medication combination soon. I had high blood pressure before pregnancy, but it was always managed appropriately with medicine. The entrance of this tiny one threw things out of whack and I'm sure this is just the first of MANY things she'll be rearranging in our lives.

I feel her kicking around in there a lot these days and Wheat has been able to catch it a couple times, too. It still hasn't really sunk in yet that there is a tiny human being inside of me, but maybe it never will.

We finally opened a registry for her last weekend and oh my word. Talk about overwhelming. How can there be so many choices for strollers? How do they possibly manufacture that many different baby monitors? How do you know you're picking the right one? The nice lady at the store told us you can't really make the wrong choice, so I'm banking on that being true. Fingers crossed.

I only cried once while walking through Buy Buy Baby and it wasn't because I was overwhelmed by cribs and diaper pails. In the front of the store, there was a display with top books for babies and one of them, How Do I Love You?, caught my eye. My mom gave it to me a few years ago as a gift. Just because she loved me. A children's board book with padded covers and bright, colorful illustrations. She gave it to her 20-something daughter to tell her how much she loved her. I still have it in my bedroom at home. I absolutely lost it. I can't believe I'm doing this without her. I can't believe she isn't here to walk this road with me and show my daughter how much she loves her, too. It isn't fair.

So far, the biggest challenge for me during pregnancy has been my emotions. I've heard women talk about pregnancy hormones and mood swings (and I'm sure that isn't helping matters), but that's not what I mean. I just feel...crushed. I constantly think about my mom and how badly I need her. When I do experience a moment of joy, I'm almost instantly sucked back into grief because she isn't here to share it with me. When does this start to feel better? When do I find peace in her absence, understanding in my pain? I'm a motherless daughter about to have a daughter of her own.

The only solace I can find is in the knowledge that everything I do as a mother (or an expectant one) will be because I learned it from her. She is, and will always be, part of me and how lucky is that? I literally have the most magnificent mother and teacher in my genes...so I'm bound to figure this out, right? The greatest gift I ever received was being her daughter and I can't wait to show mine what she showed me.

...and now I'm sobbing, so I'll close with a more traditional bumpdate. Oh yeah - it's a total bummer being pregnant and overweight because NO ONE CAN TELL YOU'RE PREGNANT. It's obvious to me, but no kindness from strangers in the airport, no cute baby bump pictures each week. Here's what you get instead:

Taken at our first appointment (10 weeks)

Food Cravings/Aversions: Sour cream at first, but that's always a craving for me. I'm really digging fruit, fries, and Indian food. So strange. No aversions really. I feel like I'm hungry all the time.

Maternity Clothes: Yep. Caved and bought a pair of stretchy jeans from Lane Bryant a couple weeks ago.

Sleep: Always. I'm able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat and I haven't been too uncomfortable, either. I do wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom now, though.

Travel: Since finding out I was pregnant, this baby has been to Kansas City, Raleigh, Cincinnati, and Charleston for our babymoon. Starting her early.

Gender Reveal: We went to my dad's house and Wheat kicked a football filled with pink powder while we video chatted our loved ones in other states. It was simple, but perfect for us.

Looking Forward To: Setting things up for her in our one-bedroom apartment. At first, I felt very worried we wouldn't have enough space, but I'm feeling better now that we've registered for some major items.

Missing: Besides my mom? Deli meat sandwiches. I think I'm the only person on the planet who is daydreaming about Subway.

Wheat: Is a rockstar, but is anyone surprised by that? He's even more doting than usual - which is saying a lot - and he talks to my belly every day. I cannot wait to see him be a dad.