Observations at the gym.

Like the rest of America, I vowed to make my over-due return to the gym when the year started. Unlike many in America, however, I have the luxury of going to an incredibly cool gym.

In fact, my tiny town in rural Ohio is home to the world's largest YMCA. I kid you not. At 218,000 square feet, our YMCA has 6 racquetball courts, 2 indoor running tracks, 3 large gyms, an indoor and 7 outdoor soccer fields, a gymnastics center, multiple indoor and outdoor pools, saunas, whirlpools, a cafe, a senior center, an outdoor trail, a rock-climbing wall, 8 tennis courts, a pre-school, a huge cardio and weight room, and much more.

So, if I'm going to put myself through the torture of a trip to the gym, I'm pretty lucky to attend this one.

However, as I was huffing and puffing away on the elliptical machine this week, I started to notice something: No matter what gym you attend, you will always see the same types of people. Although most people blend seamlessly into the fabric of the gym, there are some attendees who are nearly impossible to ignore. Here are those people:

- The absurdly loud weight-lifter. In a desperate attempt to attract the attention of anyone within a 50-foot radius, this guy grunts every single time he lifts any amount of weight - without fail. If he's lifting a particularly heavy amount, he will even scream or shout "WOOO!" upon its successful completion.

- The clueless older woman. Every now and then, a gym newbie over the age of 50 finds herself in the complex cardio center. Although I can sympathize with her (our YMCA can be pretty intimidating and busy), she stumbles around like a lost puppy in her old gym clothes, until she finally finds a machine that she recognizes and feels comfortable operating: the blood pressure machine.

- The extremely active old man/woman. Although they, too, are over 50, this individual is the polar opposite of my previous description. They often dress in spandex, wear sweatbands on their heads, and have expensive water bottles and gym bags. No matter what equipment they are using, you can't help staring at them...because you're convinced they would outrun, outlift, and outlast you in any scenario.

- The socializer. Usually a middle-aged woman, this person bops around from machine to machine, talking to every person they recognize. They carry their cell phone in their hand and rarely exert themselves beyond a leisurely pace on the treadmill or stationary bike. By the time you're leaving the gym, you know all of their kids' names, all the town gossip, and what's for dinner that night.

- The stripper. This goes without explanation. She is scantily-clad, wearing only a sports bra, short shorts, and a full face of makeup that, miraculously, she never sweats off. She is also the prime target for the next category of gym-goer.

- The creep. Although I've seen younger ones, most creeps are older gentlemen, who stake out a claim on whatever exercise equipment is closest to girls jogging on the treadmill. Throughout the course of their workout, they rarely exert themselves and, instead, spend most of their time openly gawking at strangers with no shame whatsoever.

- The meathead. This guy is almost always in his 20s, way too tan for Ohio in the winter, and spends all his time lifting weights while staring at himself in the mirror. You're also convinced he is a recreational user of anabolic steroids and must be on a list of possible replacements for the cast of Jersey Shore.

- The obnoxious peeker. This person, male or female, seems to make every machine a competition. They can always be seen peeking at everyone else's machine, taking a mental note of how many calories they've lost, what resistance level they've chosen, etc. They are the reason why some people use their sweat towel to cover the read-out on their machine.

- The overzealous athlete. Again, this can be a man or a woman, and they possess one defining characteristic: They are intense. They run at a full-out sprint for three hours straight. Then, they get on the stair-stepper until you're convinced they've scaled the Eiffel Tower...18 times. You've never been there when they weren't and you're starting to wonder if maybe they sleep on a cot in the locker room.

- The hot guy. This guy splits his gym time evenly between cardio and weights, keeping his body in its impressive, toned condition. You often find yourself staring at him as motivation to continue your workout. However, if you run across him unexpectedly at the height of your exertion, you're absolutely humiliated by the redness of your face and pretend to be breathing at a normal, even pace. My "hot guy" is a tall, attractive guy with reddish hair and subtle muscles built from years of use. Sometimes, the hope of seeing him is the only motivation I have for going...

...okay, so maybe I'm a creep, too.