WTF Facebook Chat?

Strange things happen at 4:00 AM. I know this because I'm always awake for it. Tonight was no exception.

Most nights, I sit with the computer on my lap, trying to think of a compelling blog topic. Usually, I get sidetracked by Youtube videos, other blogs, Facebook stalking, etc.

On this particular occasion, I logged onto Facebook and was instantly messaged by someone I haven't talked to since the 5th grade. I kid you not. The 5th grade.

Do you remember how unbelievably cool AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) was? You spent hours trying to shorten all the quotes and shoutouts in your profile so that they would fit within the character limit. You loved creating clever away messages and the awesome feeling you got when reading the things people sent while you were away. If you got bored of your screenname, you created a new one and IMed all your buddies to inform them of the change. You divided your buddy list into multiple categories (ex. Besties, Boys, Girls, Younger, Older, Family, HIM OMGGGGG). You put an alarm on your crush so that you were alerted with a loud 'MOOOO!' when he/she signed on. You put more effort than you should have in deciding your background color and font.

It was basically stalking in a pre-Facebook world, but it was wonderful. It pretty much defined my entire middle school and high school experience. It helped me make plans before I had a cell phone, build new friendships, strengthen old ones, and express myself creatively long before I had a blog. It was popular, it was innocent, and it was awesome.

Facebook Chat is the polar opposite.

I'm not sure why, but it seems there is an unwritten rule book for Facebook Chat. It reads as follows:

1. Only message people you don't know or people you haven't talked to in years.
2. When messaging them, be sure to include one of the following:

A. An unbelievably strange statement that has them baffled beyond belief.
B. A strange flirtation that has them questioning their ability to attract normal members of the opposite sex.
C. Be sure to type, then delete, then type, then delete something, so that they can clearly see you're struggling with conversation.
D. Make an outlandish comment about a picture, post, or piece of information on their profile page. You must prove that you've been thoroughly stalking them.
E. All of the above

3. Optional: Ask them to hang out in the near future, even though there is an extremely slim chance of it ever happening.

Of course, there are exceptions to these rules. From time to time, I get messages from people I know and love, people I miss terribly, and family members that live far away. But, for the most part, I am usually confounded by the random assortment of people who message me on Facebook Chat (and that goes for 90% of the people that have friend requested me in the last year, too).

So, as I said, I was messaged by a guy who was in my 5th grade class - a guy who I only remember seeing once or twice since...and definitely not one I've talked to since. How do you possibly carry on a decent conversation with someone who you know absolutely nothing about, have no memories with, and don't plan on seeing ever again?

Needless to say, the conversation was short. He asked me how I was, what I was doing, and where I lived. Then, he told me I was one of his favorite people from school, he missed me, and wanted to hang out some time. Hey - at least he adhered to the Facebook Chat rules.

But, here's the best part. This brief, bizarre encounter with the boy from the back row of my 5th grade class also made my night. Here's why (for his privacy, I blurred out his name and user picture):


He asked me if the guy in my profile picture was my boyfriend.

If you can't tell by the tiny thumbnail, my profile picture is of me and Jordan Staal of the Pittsburgh Penguins. This, of course, made my night. Not only was it nice to briefly consider lying and telling him, "Absolutely and he's fantastic in bed," but it was also comforting to know that he deemed that as within the realm of possibility. Seriously, I had a total Lloyd Christmas moment from Dumb and Dumber and found myself thinking, "So you're saying there's a chance." As sad as this sounds, it was a total boost of confidence from a boy whose lasting impression on me was that he couldn't grasp the difference between the numerator and the denominator.

Man, maybe Facebook Chat is good for something.