Feeling Something.

Since college ended, I have generally been unhappy, unmotivated, disillusioned, and cynical. I have felt worthless, alone, misunderstood, plagued with fear, and completely lost. Since my situation could be considerably worse, I felt selfish and pathetic talking about it. So, I didn't. I just lived in it and became used to it, frozen in time and completely numb.

However, the last couple months have been worse. I have felt detached from others and irrationally anxious. I just wrote an incredibly long post on how terrified, stressed, angry, and sad I have been lately. I detailed all of my problems, stresses, fears, concerns, and annoyances. When I finished it, I re-read it in its entirety and I realized something.

It's better to feel something rather than nothing at all.

That is the beauty of being alive and I've forgotten that in recent years. The most perfect, the most unique, and the most amazing thing about being alive is the up and the down. This earth is beautiful because it is imperfect. In the midst of our anguish, we find happiness. It's the beautiful balance of being human and I forgot to embrace it.

Being aware of my feelings isn't annoying or pathetic. It's healthy and it's right. It's beautiful and it's constructive. Embracing myself (with all of my flaws and insecurities), rather than avoiding myself, is the key. The only way to make things right is to realize that they aren't yet. When you let yourself experience negative feelings, you have something to contrast against the positive ones. You can only truly appreciate the up when you've suffered through the down.

This is my down and I'm tired of being numb to it...because feeling something is always worth the pain.