Where to begin...

**taps mic**

Is this thing still on?

The prospect of writing this post has been hanging over my head for months. I'm honestly not even sure how to approach it, but I had a rare dream last night that involved me blogging, so I figured it was time.

The last six months of my life have been...unbelievable. Unfortunately, I don't mean that in the good sense of the word - I mean I simply CANNOT BELIEVE OR ACCEPT WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Life has the strangest way of sending you to the most fun amusement park, filling you with delicious ice cream, then forcing you to ride roller coasters that flip you upside down and spin you around until you're puking your guts out and wishing you'd just stayed home in the first place.

At 6:11 AM on September 11, 2018, my Mommles died. My best friend, my hero, my teacher, my person. She died after spending nearly a month without food in hospice, thanks to the stage IV colon cancer she'd been fighting for the past five years. My sister and I were there with her when she left, but the last week of her life traumatized me in a way I didn't know was possible. I simultaneously have so much to say and nothing to say at all and I've learned over the last few months that that dichotomy is exactly how grief works.

Oh yeah, and I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant. You know that life has been chaos when your FIRST EVER pregnancy is the second thing you mention in a life update. Wheat and I are beyond thrilled to be parents, but you know that dichotomy I mentioned up there? The journey has been bittersweet so far, to say the least. We found out we were expecting less than a month after Mommles left and my heart shatters to think she won't be here for this.

I hope to write a lot more about both of these things, but man - life doesn't stop for anything. You have no choice but to move forward. It isn't the way you want it to be, it isn't the way you thought it would be, but you have no choice. Everyone moves on and even though you're drowning in grief, you wake up and go to work. You do your chores and run your errands and smile at strangers because that's what you have to do. You have no choice.

...and this barely scratches the surface of my life for the last few months. Here's proof:

• I met Wheat in Las Vegas for a few days during NBA summer league.
• We went to Chicago to celebrate Hannah's baby shower and spend time with friends.
• Wheat and I attended the 100th PGA Championship at Bellerive in St. Louis.
• I joined a six-week grief group for young adults and it was a wonderful decision.
• We met Wheat's parents for one night in Cleveland, which we filled with an Indians game and a trip to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton.
• The weekend we found out we were pregnant, we went to Kansas City for lots of barbecue, history, and whirlpool soaking.
• I went to Raleigh for a long weekend to visit my sister and Denny and see their new place.
• Wheat and I spent our babymoon in Charleston - posts to come.
• We saw Dave Matthews Band (twice), Book of Mormon, A Christmas Carol, Maroon 5 with Julia Michaels, One Republic at Big Ten Fest, Chris Kattan (in Raleigh), and Clint and Breann get married.

So, this roller coaster keeps rolling and I'm just trying my best to keep my food down. I'm going to try to start blogging again because Mommles loved my little corner of the internet and I know you've missed me and all my sexy metaphors.