Pens: 3. Lightning: VOMIT.

No, I didn't forget that today was Monday. Today (and last night), I realized that I wasn't feeling any celebrities in particular. Weird, I know. I think my feeling of general moodiness today stemmed from the doom I was foreseeing in my future. Let me explain.

Do not - I repeat - DO NOT watch a sports event with me if I am invested in one of the teams/competitors. Seriously. I am a maniac. I usually react in one of two ways: 1. I scream, cry, punch, pull hair, threaten, etc. 2. I sit silently, trying to contain myself, putting my head in my shirt, ignoring everyone that speaks to me (for fear of lashing out at them in anger), and eventually crying, anyway.

Tonight was option #2. The Pens lost again to the Lightning. After a hideous 8-2 loss on Saturday (that I conveniently missed), I hoped the Pens would rebound and finish the series tonight, giving me some time to regain my composure. However, deep down, I knew the Pens wouldn't finish them off tonight. I felt nervous and jittery all day. The eternal pessimist in me knew better.

Sure enough, the Pens lost, 4-2. Not even goals from Dupuis and Staalsy could cheer me up. Fleury seemed mediocre, Chris Conner absolutely blew a penalty shot, Letang played the ugliest game I've ever seen him play, and the Pens' power play is more embarrassing than the time I tripped and did a double somersault, which exposed an ample amount of my buttcrack, in front of my 9th grade crush. Yeah, that embarrassing.

Needless to say, Tampa Bay has forced Game 7. Wednesday night. Do or die. I can't explain how nervous I am. In fact, I'm flirting with the idea of not actually watching the game. But, who am I kidding? I would never miss it.

So, I'm trying to find ways to help the team. I'll do anything. Tribal dances. Monetary bribes. Witchcraft. Blackmail. Motivational speeches. Voodoo dolls. Sexual favors. I'm not above animal sacrifice.

In fact, I think I have the perfect candidate.

Pens: 2. Lightning: 1.

By some miracle, I actually convinced Jenn to watch Game 3 of the series with me. Although the Pens had control of nearly the entire game, I was in full-on panic mode, complete with swearing like a sailor and threatening those in booths nearby.

With two Pens' goals (Talbot and Asham) in the first period, I thought I could relax and enjoy a game for once. I was wrong, of course. St. Louis scored, putting me back on the edge of my seat. The Penguins continued to fail on the power play and allowed Tampa Bay to score another PP goal in the third period. Ugh. Then, Tyler Kennedy swooped in and saved the day. Penguins take the game, 3-2.

I start to breathe with some regularity and my blood pressure drops back to normal levels.

Since I know that none of you care about playoff hockey, the Penguins, or the outcome of tonight's game, I've decided to share a few things that might excite my female readers. Maybe a bit?

The first (and possibly only) installment of...
Sweaty Penguins Wipe Their Beautiful Faces



Max Talbot



Jordan Staal

You're welcome.

I'm leaving tomorrow for my brother's graduation from boot camp (FINALLY!). I cannot wait to see him! Unfortunately, I will not be back until Saturday, which means no Glee-cap tomorrow and no Pens update on Wednesday. So, in order to tide you over until Saturday, I'll post the brief conversation I had with Jordan Staal today while in Pleasure Town.

Jordan: Look. The most glorious rainbow ever.

Me: Do me on it.


Yeah. It's been awhile since I've made a pixelated, ridiculous picture in MS paint. I figured I was overdue.

See you Saturday, my friends!

Pens: 1. Lightning: 0.

This blog will be overwhelmingly hockey-related until the Pens get eliminated from the playoffs win the Stanley Cup. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Remember how I compared the first round of the playoffs to foreplay yesterday? Yeah. That was for the extended metaphor's sake. I'm a maniac right from the beginning. I treat every game like it's the Stanley Cup final. Probably not healthy...

I had to watch the first game of the series in the midst of a particularly horrible karaoke night at BW3s. The first two periods were complete torture for me. As much as I love little kids and Coldplay, I wanted to throw my knife and fork at the 8-year-old who sang "Viva La Vida" and had clearly never heard the song before. When the 80-year-old woman (who is a regular on karaoke night) started her usual "Can't Get You Outta My Head" by Kylie Minogue, tears sprang to my eyes.

Then, James Neal made a delicious pass to Kovy who sent it home. 1-0, Pens. 18 seconds later, unsung hero Arron Asham scored, basically finishing the game. Fast-forward ten minutes, the goalie is pulled and Kunitz scores the empty-netter. Pens take the series lead with a 3-0 win. I fought the urge to karaoke "We are the Champions."

They showed Sid, sitting in a box with a headset on. He seemed so focused. Again, I battled tears. Staalsy had a solid game - he had a few dangerously-close shots and was named 3rd star of the game. Mostly, he distracted Stamkos, St. Louis, and company with his gorgeous cleft chin and enormous hands.


Fleury single-handedly owned the Lightning. Perfect game for him. Beautiful start to the series. Good news - Pittsburgh's forecast is calling for some more FLEURYS and white-out conditions for Friday. Come on. You knew it was coming. Floridians can't handle snow. Get it?